Soli Deo Gloria

2005-12-19T23:26:00.000-06:00

"I'd like to think that most of me is still hiding up my sleeve." --John Mayer

2005-11-26T13:24:00.000-06:00

Hi friends. I'm sorry, I'm not dead, I promise! I've been trying to set things up over at www.swimminginthesea.com because I bought the domain, and it's been, well, let's say interesting. I still need Larry to help me a bunch. But as soon as I get that up and running, we'll be back in business! :)

Hussy Go Home!!

2005-11-20T01:48:00.000-06:00

Union: 1.
Confederates: 0.

So I don't have a whole lot of time to write since I'm exhausted, but I want to take advantage of the free wifi here and post some pics of our day. :)

Me and the J-Ster at the battle.... :) SO CUTE, aren't we?

I love this. I love it in sepia tone too. :)

DUDE. THIS IS THE FACE OF THE CIVIL WAR. RIGHT HERE.

I got a GUN!

Custer spurring his horse onto freedom! ;) (I liked this pic)

I think this looks like something out of a Wells Fargo commercial.

Murr.

General Custer and his proud steed.

I like this. :) CHARGE! (Which is what we did to our credit cards in order to buy our dresses!:))

Road Tripping In and Around College Station

2005-11-19T01:54:00.000-06:00

"From the outside looking in you can't understand it, from the inside looking out you can't explain it."

2005-11-18T03:38:00.000-06:00

"Go put your shoes on, we need to go."

I went into my room in search of my shoes and unaware of the beauty that awaited me. I put on my coat, scarf, and gloves, and went back into the hallway. As we walked to the polo fields, we laughed, joked, and just generally enjoyed each others' company. It was cold out, so we walked a little bit faster than normal and rubbed our noses a little bit more.

As we neared the Memorial, the silence began to descend around us and we followed suit. I fell into step next to Payne as we neared the actual entrance, and Janet and I half-smiled at each other. We stood near the Poem Wall as I call it just inside the entrance for a little while, and then began walking down the softly lit path toward the main part.

The only sound to be heard now was the crunch of feet on gravel, and in the stillness the sound was deafening. It took what seemed like hours to traverse this cold and dimly lit path. Reaching the sphere of memorial stands, Payne motioned he would follow me and we started to circle around to the other side. When we found a good place to stop, we all lined up side-by-side. Nick, me, Payne, Janet, Monica, Shannon. Like little chess pieces in an ever-changing game we stood there, swaying a little, staring blankly ahead like so many dolls on a shelf.

I couldn't think. My head wasn't in the game. I saw all around me people already starting to tear up, to shudder violently, to give way to the stream of tears and pain. I felt nothing. Who were these people that I had never met? I didn't even know their names. Why should I care? Yes, it was a horrible tragedy, but one that happened 6 years ago. SIX YEARS! I had nothing in common with these people.

Then suddenly people started walking towards Center Pole, carrying candles. Mothers, Fathers, Brothers and Sisters- the families of the dead were walking into the middle of the memorial. They set their candles down and began to move back toward their respective portals. The students began filing onto the center grass. Numb from the cold, I followed. After a roll call, we sang Amazing Grace and the Spirit of Aggieland. After that, the hundreds of adults and students stood in that freezing grass circle for an eternity. As people slowly began leaving, I began looking around me. There were corps units with locked arms and blank stares, grieving friends, and clueless freshmen. I turned to Janet and found her with her face buried in Payne's chest, him gently stroking her hair as she cried a little.

I wondered why they all cared. Surely not all of these people knew someone who died, did they? But then I thought, what if it doesn't MATTER if I knew them or not? What if all that matters is that I'm a part of something bigger than myself, a part of something that can't be explained to those who aren't a part of it? These people were just that- people. People with the same feelings, needs, and failings as me. People who needed to feel like they belonged somewhere, and found that "somewhere" to be Aggieland.

When we finally started to walk away, after the crowd had greatly dispersed, I couldn't help noticing again those candles. Just 12 little candles, out there in the middle of such a huge space, and yet shining their light for all those around to see. As I walked I kept looking back and pausing, mesmerized by those candles, thinking. Those little candles making an impact on their world, no matter how small. Little candles, and although their lights might be extinguished, still they remained, if only in the memory of those who witnessed their light.

And as I walked away from those candles, as I was able to see less and less of their light, I found myself thinking, "God bless you and keep you and make His face to shine upon you." I wasn't sure who I was thinking that about, whether it was the families, the dead, or even the student body in general.

Walking away from that memorial, at 3:45ish this morning, I realized again what I have so many times been floored by this semester:

I love it here. I love Aggieland. And I will ALWAYS be an Aggie.

Gig 'Em, and I hope to see you there next year.

More "Things".... :)

2005-11-16T10:25:00.000-06:00

Well Friends, I'm sitting here in the SCC with Alison while she types her Math essay (I know, a MATH essay). Hard core stuff. :)

This keyboard is making me angry. The space key doesn't want to work.

So I know it's been a while since I've actually SAID anything on here, but I haven't felt like I've had much to say. So in lieu of that, I'll post more "things" about myself (Hmm. Any stalkers out there?:))

1. My mother is and always will be my best friend.

2. I love working crosswords. My favorite days are Tuesday and Wednesday, because they're harder than Monday but easier than Thursday or Friday. I like to be able to finish it.

3. I hate myself when I'm a lazy slacker. Like when I skip class.

4. I'm semi-apathetic academically. And by that I mean that I don't mind a slightly lower GPR if it means I get to have a social life. We'll find out come Christmas (grade time).

5. I love naps and all things sleeping-related. Like my pillow, my blankie, etc.

6. I've slept with my blankie all my life. My mother had to buy me a new one years ago because my original one wore out. Literally. Like big gaping holes.

7. Larry helped me buy my laptop. And by that I mean that I told him what I wanted and how much I could spend, and he made it happen. I think he has ties to the mafia. :)

8. My bed is my safe place. It's the one place I won't let other people be (at least in between the sheets). Shannon's brothers are staying with us for the t.u. game and they're sleeping in our room while we sleep across the hall, and it's going to be very hard for me. I'm still not sure if I'm okay with it. Is that dumb? :)

9. The girl sitting catty-corner across from me here in the SCC is staring at me and it's creeping me out.

10. Whenever I go to Sonic I usually get the very same thing every time-- a #5 Snack Size (Jumbo Popcorn Chicken), with tater tots instead of fries, two honey mustards, and a grape slush. I'm a creature of habit.

Well, that's all for today. Have a great one.

Maleficent is like the scariest villian ever. Ever.

2005-11-15T21:11:00.000-06:00

I don't feel like writing right now.
So I'll leave you with a pic I took this past summer. Murr.

PS- I'm starting to get kind of annoyed with my design (due to some random circumstances I can't change the background color and that annoys me). So I'm contemplating switching over to Xanga for a little while til Larry can show me how to fix it. :) Meh, it'll prolly never happen, but I'm just contemplating. ;)

The Joys of Child-Like Innocence

2005-11-12T15:44:00.000-06:00

The joys of being able to sit on a ledge and stare at the brook as if you hadn't just spent 20 minutes playing in it. As if it was the most fascinating thing you'd ever seen. As if you'd never see anything else like it ever again.

The Joys of Child-Like Curiosity

2005-11-12T15:42:00.000-06:00

The joys of being enthralled by a sewer pipe just because you've never seen one before. Of being so adventurous as to jump over rocks over the stream so you can reach the other side. Of being fearless.

The Joys of a Beautiful Baby

2005-11-12T15:39:00.000-06:00

The joys of traveling to a learning concert with a precious baby who sleeps like an angel and laughs like a stream, a baby who makes you believe God has blessed the earth.

The Joys of Friendship

2005-11-12T15:36:00.000-06:00

The joys of greasy hair and beautiful weather while spending time with friends at a rugby match. The joys of taking a million pictures and yelling, "GID 'EEEM!"

In which it is revealed that my mother really only FOOLS people into believing she's a sweetheart.

2005-11-08T23:31:00.000-06:00

"Has Ted called the family? Mamaw will rip him a new one if he doesn't tell her."

"Oh sweetheart, I've got it covered. I told him I'd take care of it. I called both grandmothers, the aunts and uncles, cousins-- the works."

"Aww, you're a sweetie."

"I know."

"Hey, Mom? Will you do that for me?"

"Do what?"

"Call the family and everything. You know. When I get engaged."

"Oh, Heather, when you get engaged, I'll put it on a BILLBOARD! It'll say, 'My daughter is FINALLY engaged! FINALLY!!' "

"What do you have there, Brian? It's a cup of dirt. Just put an F on there and let me go home." --Brian Reagan (sp?)

2005-11-07T18:21:00.000-06:00

I'm a little post-happy today. And I'm lovin' the leaves lately.
Haha. They just usually turn out well. I dunno. It was a beautiful day today. :)
Please comment in the post right before this! Please?

20 Things!

2005-11-07T14:47:00.000-06:00

Just for fun- 20 Things About Me:

1) I ADORE photography and I have no shame about sticking my camera in your face to get "that great shot."

2) I wanna take art and photography classes this summer. Correction- I WILL. I'll make it happen somehow.

3) I'm usually pretty apathetic about girly things, but every so often I'll go all out- makeup, smelly good stuff, the works.

4) I work at Lane Bryant. And I get 40% off. It rocks, except that I spend all the money I earn there. Well, maybe not ALL of it. But some of it. I try hard not to.

5) I hate retail. Well, sometimes.

6) One of my best friends, Janet, gave me a minor concussion last week when she "jumped" over my head.

7) I have one fish, and his name is Squishy, after the baby jellyfish from Finding Nemo.

8) I invent words. And they usually take (and by that I mean people start using them).

9) One of the reasons I am so passionate about photography is because I don't have a lot of pictures of my dad. And I wish I did. So I refuse to let that happen again. Another is because I inhereited it from him. He was quite the shutterbug.

10) I still (and always will) miss him everyday.

11) I can't bring myself to visit his grave more than once or twice a year. I don't know why.

12) My brother is engaged and I absolutely LOVE his fiancee. She's the best. (Hey, it counts- it's sort of about me:).)

13) I ADORE green beans.

14) I HATE cockroaches. HATE them. HATE. I usually scream and jump out of the way.

15) I really like IBC Cherry Limeade. I don't get it very often though.

16) I LOVE getting flowers. Any kind, but my favorite is Gerbera Daisies.

17) I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. No biggie.

18) I don't like having to explain to people what that is all the time. Look it up.

19) I don't know yet if I want to have kids. I bet I will once the time gets closer, but right now I'm all about traveling and a puppy. I REALLY want a puppy. (I guess that should have counted for two numbers. Oh well.)

20) My faith is what keeps me alive. I'm not perfect (big surprise), and I mess up more than I get it right, but it is and always will be the most important part of my life. I never deserve it, but for some reason God has seen fit to love me and protect me from myself. And for that I am eternally grateful.

Your turn! This was fun. I think I might do more some other time. I really wanna know about the people who read this! Post it in the comments section or link to it, whatever. Even if you can only do 10 or even 3, I'd love to read it. :) Thanks and Gig 'Em!

SHARKS IN THE SKY!!!!!!!! RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!!!!!

2005-11-07T14:21:00.000-06:00

Haha, I'm a nerd. But a nerd in a good mood.
Things are "looking up." No more funnyness in the head. :)

PS- Don't worry, guys. That isn't a REAL shark. It's a window cling.
Yes, that's it, a window cling. There you go, sit back down.
Yes yes, go ahead. Sit down. There, there. I didn't mean to scare you.
There, there. Calm down, it's okay. It's only a photo through my window
of the sky behind the window cling. It's not real.

....Or is it?

in just 8 hours they'll be hanging flowers...

2005-11-06T18:07:00.000-06:00

I officially loathe my job. Okay, maybe not really, but still. Because of a stupid holiday store meeting, I just had to LEAVE EARLY from a Handel's Messiah concert on campus. I MISSED THE HALLELUJAH CHORUS. How much does THAT suck? A LOT. Good grief. So I'm sitting here listening to Jem instead of in the theater listening to the most amazing musicians. And the Alto soloist they had was AMAZING. A voice as smooth as butter. Incredible. Ah, but such is life. FYI, if you hadn't figured it out already: the way to my heart is through good music, good art, and good food. Instead of any of those three, I'm headed off to work to sit through another stupid shrink prevention video and a video about the latest holiday fashions. Yay retail.

....Bah. At least I have a job and at least it pays money. I'm better off than some.

Update: My roomate is the greatest EVER. Seriously. She just called me so I could hear the Hallelujah chorus. Even through the crappy static that is her phone, it still sounded GORGEOUS. Shannon darling, I love you. :)

...You too, Handel. Bless you (even though you're dead).

Blue skies, smilin' at me!

2005-11-05T18:03:00.000-06:00

Taken outside my dorm again. :) I love blue skies....

The sky is a beautiful shade of blue!

2005-11-03T14:11:00.000-06:00

Taken of the tree outside of my dorm five minutes ago. It's a beautful day. :)
(It looks better bigger too. :))

From my ENGL 235 Intro to Creative Writing Prose class...

2005-11-02T17:44:00.000-06:00

Lemme know what you think- this was a story I wrote for my English class. Everyone loved it, but since I am always more critical of my own work, I'm not so sure. I would appreciate comments. :) I also want to rework the title (not sure I like it) but I don't really have any ideas. Suggestions? Here we go.... (PS- It's sort of long...)

If Only I am Needed

I am a park in a city (for the purposes of this text, it matters not which) that sits quietly by as the world swirls and rushes madly about it, much like a rock in the middle of torpid, frothing rapids. Sometimes a wave hits the rock, causing it to shift or settle, but it still remains a rock. In much the same way, I am still a park, though I have been here many years, and though many a worldly wave has dashed against my fences, or splashed against my gate. I am a safe haven for those who love me, an eye-sore for those who do not; a romantic setting for those who want me, a hideaway for those who need me.

I am beautiful to those who can truly appreciate what beauty is; my trees, though old, are large and strong; my swings, though rusted, still swing with as much vigor as they ever did; and my pond, though stagnant, is still teeming with life. The birds still sing in my trees, and swoop and soar as if to say, “Here! Here is where I live and will love until I die! Here and here alone!”

There is a path running through my little world, winding and sloping about through the fall trees, ambling along with all the care of a little child who has all the time in the world to grow up and wants merely to be a kid for a while. There are benches every so often, strewn along the path as if with no thought to their placement, but as if only to the pleasure of the one deciding their final resting place. A stream flows parallel to the path, babbling and gurgling, happy in its simplicity, happy in its routine. It laughs along, singing and splashing against its banks, content.

My playground is quiet now; there are few children left to play within its borders. The swings sway in the breeze, and their gentle creaking echoes against the walls of the bathroom just a short walk away. The floors inside it are sticky, the toilets are broken, and the toilet paper is long gone. Years have passed since it was cleaned or maintained. No one goes in much anymore.

I am a land forgotten by the residents of my neighborhood; a place of memories and nostalgia, but no longer a place of dreams or imagination. I was once a place where exciting things happened, a place where fantastic childish worlds of flight and fancy were dreamed and created, where girls were no longer girls, but princesses; and boys were no longer boys, but knights or soldiers or kings or policemen. There was many a skinned-knee here, or a bloody elbow; many a salty tear fell onto the pavement or dirt here, but no longer; today, trash drifts slowly across my ground until it snags in the bushes, the sand has spilled over the edges of the sand-box, and the weeds have grown over half of the meandering path.

There are few who play here anymore, though I still entertain guests from time to time. George the Retired Janitor ambles slowly along the path every morning, mumbling to himself, talking to Jesus and his late wife in heaven. He shuffles slowly past my swings with a, “Martha, dear, do you remember those? We had some lovely times on those. Still think of you every time I see them.” He is always alone, and never moves faster than a snail. Sometimes a solitary tear can be seen sliding down his cheek, but he always wipes it quickly away. I feel sorry for him; sometimes I rustle my swings a bit, inviting him to play, but he never stops; he keeps moving on, mumbling, always mumbling. I try to be as quiet as possible for him; I know what it is to be lonely. Once he accidentally tripped and fell. I felt so bad for him, because I could see that he had started to cry, but I do not think it was because he was hurt. Nobody comes to visit him anymore. My heart breaks for such a regal man, that he would be forgotten so easily and deemed to be of no use to society. I tried to send a little breeze his way to help him up and maybe even cheer him up a little, but it was no use. He just slowly stood up, wiping the tears from his eyes with the back of his hand, and shuffled off, probably to his cramped apartment that barely keeps him warm. He used to bring his grandchildren with him when he would visit me, and they would run and scream and play. Those were good days.

Sarah the After-School Kid runs through me on her way home every afternoon, evening plans and cute boys streaming through her mind as she streaks past my bushes and the water fountains that no longer have running water. She runs alone, a smile always on her face, hardly noticing her surroundings as she contemplates her next social endeavor, trying to climb another rung on the social ladder of her middle school. She is usually careful to run in the middle of the path, since that afternoon she tripped on an overgrown root, snagged her pants, and got in trouble with her mom. She came back to me that night, sobbing; she collapsed onto my cold ground, at the very spot on my path where she first fell, frustrated and angry with her mother for grounding her for two weeks. I remember well her frustration- “A stupid rip! In a stupid pair of jeans! Agh, I hate her!”- that was a sad night for me. You should never hate your parents. She stayed with me for three hours that night, and I tried many times to soothe her confused and angry heart. The turmoil of adolescence takes its toll on a young girl. Her mother had done things to the poor dear that I could not explain away, but I still did not think Sarah should have hated her. I do not know if there ever really is a reason for hate. I do know that the day will come when she will no longer come crashing through my gate on her way home; I know that someday she has to move on. But I think she will come back; the great ones always do.

Alice the Housewife takes a walk with her baby in a stroller every afternoon, her in a dress and apron, her baby always in a hat and a light coat. Her baby babbles and gurgles as they walk, laughing and trying to catch hold of leaves and stray blades of grass. Alice coos and laughs softly at her baby’s antics, bending down every so often to stroke her girl’s hair or kiss her head. They usually stop a few times along the way so that Alice can pluck a leaf from a nearby tree to show to her little one, who squeals in ecstasy and reaches with her little fingers, straining for the leaf. I laugh with the rustle of my leaves, inviting the young one to grab hold; sure it hurts when she plucks three or four from my branches, but it is forever worth it to see the look of pure innocence and joy lighting up her pixie-like face. Seems to me kids these days lose that look too soon, while they are still young, and they forget what it ever felt like. I look forward to the day when she will be a toddler and will come to play with me; oh the worlds of imagination I can show her! Her mother is a beautiful woman; yet I can tell she is deeply saddened by some tragedy of her past, long ago. Alice brought a friend with her once, and I think I overhead something about her husband maybe dying or being murdered? Or maybe she never had a husband. I am not quite sure; but when she walks with her baby and looks into her eyes, it is plain to me that she sees more than the little girl. She sees someone else; though I know not who.

And then there are Noah and Madison, the Lovers. They come to me almost every night, sneaking through the bushes in the back, giggling and kissing as they come, constantly touching and laughing as they round the corner to the playground. She sits down in a swing, and he bends down, planting a kiss on her forehead, then walks around her as she calms down and begins to breathe deeply. He places his hands on her back, and begins to push her as she closes her eyes and swings her legs to the rhythm. She swings and swings until she can barely breathe; until Noah is panting and can push her no more. She relaxes her legs and lets herself slow to a stop. She stands up; her legs are rubber and she sways gently as she turns around. She begins to giggle again, as she staggers toward him. He laughs as she falls into him, and they fall backward into my cold wet grass. Looking up at the stars, they lay quietly until they realize the time and jump up screaming and laughing again, running off through my gate, late for curfew. Theirs has not always been a happy tale; I remember their first fight (I am assuming it was their first, though I have no proof of the fact), their first kiss (that I am certain happened here- she mentions it all the time), and the first time they fell asleep together under the stars, her head on his chest, just as peaceful as I ever could imagine. I enjoy it when they come; too often people forget what it is to truly love, to forget the rest of the world exists; to see nothing but the electric blue eyes of your first love.

I have not always been frequented by those beautiful souls in whom the world finds its redemption, however. There exist some cruel, hardhearted people who plague my world with their darkness; lurking and stalking about in the shadows, they throw rocks at the birds and pee on the floor of the bathroom. Siniestro the Murderer steals in with the breeze, usually around three o’clock in the morning, looking for trouble. Most times he is alone; though sometimes he brings with him a young girl he has grabbed along the way, dragging her through my gates and into the darkness in order to terrorize or otherwise harm her. He is as smooth as the black silk lining of a coffin; his heart as devoid of warmth as the North Pole. And yet I have redemptive, healing powers even for Siniestro-- I hold for him memories of happier times, times before his mother died, when he was younger; her pushing him in the swings as his father stood across the playground, laughing and pushing his little sister down the slide (she was a precious child to behold, surely), and running to catch her at the bottom. They are all dead now; the target of a gang hit, a gang of which Siniestro is now a member. He brings his victims to me, for the simple reason that he has no other excuse to come, but the demons that haunt him here usually cause him to let them go unscathed. I try to help settle them with a cool breeze, but they usually run for their lives, sprinting through my gate as fast as their legs will take them. This makes me sad; these beautiful women will never play inside my borders again. There is, however, one exception: Koa. Siniestro brought her here, her kicking and biting and scratching. He dumped her on the grass, and holding a gun to her head, told her to get undressed. I was terrified for her; I know Siniestro and I know the harm he can cause. I should not have been worried though; Koa held her own and when Siniestro let her go, he was bleeding and limping and unsatisfied. She comes to visit me sometimes still, to remind herself of what courage and fight lies inside her; and though I wish it was under better pretenses, still I will not turn her away. I hate Siniestro, and yet I feel sorry for him; he is a soul in torment, lost to all but the deepest reaches of love, and that is something not even I can give to him.

I am a place of healing; and though many a politician has tried to pave me over, still I remain-- though I know not how I have managed to survive. I almost lost the fight a few times; there is one instance in particular of which I have an acute recollection. I do not remember the smarmy politician’s name, but he had just taken office, a naïve and overzealous young man with a heart of stone. His mind was consumed with the acquisition of money and power, and there was no room for a little park when a high-rise would do just as well. He would come to me at night, stalking about, poking my trees and mumbling to himself. I could see the lust in his eyes when he looked at me; he never saw my beautifully soft grass or my giggling little brook. He would slink about in the darkness, and every so often, when his eyes would catch a ray of light, I could almost see the dollar signs. I can only imagine that he used to be any different. What happens to a man to make him value nature and beauty so little? What sad and evil twist of fate caused his young and healthy heart to shrivel and shrink away from what is truly important in life? At any rate, he came to me about three times a week, until after a few months he never came again. I am still not quite sure why; there are those who need me still, and maybe they stood for me when I could not stand for myself.

I hope to be here for many years to come; though I know I will succumb one of these days to the pressures and the torments outside my walls. It is inevitable. I know that few will even notice I am gone, and fewer will miss me. I only hope that my legacy and the lives I have touched will be a testament to the time I have served here, a time throughout which I have tried faithfully to serve those whom I was put here to comfort, to protect, and to love. Will George remember me on his deathbed, as he walks toward that heavenly light? Will he remember my soothing breezes, my smooth sidewalks, my creaking swings? Maybe. I do not know. What about Sarah? Will she remember me in high school? When she is married? When she has children of her own? Somehow I do not think it so. And Alice? She will forget me for a time, I think, but when her precocious daughter is grown and moved away, she will come back to me and stroll idly through my trees, picking leaves and remembering happier times. Noah and Madison will forget me; of this I have no doubt. They might remember me as a symbol of their love, but they are so enamored with each other that the rest of the world is as a slipstream rushing by, with them anchored to each other in the middle. Siniestro, however, will never forget. Even though it may be in the deepest recesses of his mind, I will always be there, a gentle reminder that all is not evil in the world; it is never too late to be healed. My visitors come and go; who can say what they will and will not remember about me?

It matters not in the end; if only I am needed, I will be here, ready and able to lend a shady patch of grass or a cool breeze to soothe the aching heart.

BOO!!!! Did I scare you?

2005-10-31T23:42:00.000-06:00

Copied from my away message cuz I'm too lazy to type it all out in detail:

soccer at the REC · whooping Janet at soccer;-) · young men playing basketball on the other end of the court from us :-* · watching men "Lord of the Dance"ing · seeing one particular "Lord" sporting a shirt that said "Straight Pride" · me punting the ball up OVER the HUGE wall INTO the jogging lanes (any of y'all who know our REC knows how high that wall is) · Janet trying to jump over me while i tied my shoe and instead KNEEING ME IN THE HEAD (IT HURT.) · having some guy who had his social training interrupted as a boy come into our court and almost kick Janet in the head · Moving to another court · smoothies and GRILLED CHEESE after a hard game of soccah suckah! · sprinting up the hill on the way back and almost dying · getting back safe and sound and planning to do it again!

Happy Halloween 2K5.... :)

OOOoooOOOooo!

2005-10-31T20:40:00.000-06:00

Happy Fright Night!! I'll update a little later, right now I'm going to the REC with J-Nut to play some SOCCAH SUCKAH. ;) Hee hee.

“If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.”

2005-10-28T20:59:00.000-05:00

This is a great little article/essay thing by John Piper. I found it through Girl Talk, but since I don't know how many of you actually read it, I thought I'd post it here too. It's pretty awesome. Makes you think. I know I'D never thought of some of these things before. You'd think this stuff would be 2nd nature to most people, but you'd be wrong. Enjoy. :)

Ten Reasons to Listen to Questions Before You Answer

Meditation on Proverbs 18:13

October 25, 2005

“If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.”

It is arrogant to answer before you hear. Humility does not presume that it knows precisely what a person is asking until the questioner has finished asking the question. How many times have I jumped to a wrong conclusion by starting to formulate my answer before I heard the whole question! Often it is the last word in the question that turns the whole thing around and makes you realize that they are not asking what you thought they were.

It is rude to answer a half-asked question. “Rude” is a useful word for Christians. It means “ill-mannered, discourteous.” The New Testament word for it is aschēmonei. It is used in 1 Corinthians 13:5 where modern versions translate it, “Love is not rude,” but the old King James Version has “Love doth not behave itself unseemly.” This means that love not only follows absolute moral standards, but also takes cultural mores and habits and customs into account. What is polite? What is courteous? What are good manners? What is proper? What is good taste? What is suitable? Love is not indifferent to these. It uses them to express its humble desire for people’s good. One such politeness is listening well to a question before you answer.

Not answering a question before you hear it all honors and respects the person asking the question. It treats the person as though their words really matter. It is belittling to another to presume to be able to finish their question before they do.

Careful listening to a question often reveals that the question has several layers and is really more than one question. Several questions are all mixed into one. When you see this, you can break the question down into parts and answer them one at a time. You will not see such subtleties if you are hasty with your answer and not careful in your listening.

A question sometimes reveals assumptions that you do not share. If you try to answer the question on the basis of your assumptions without understanding the questioner’s assumptions, you will probably speak right past him. If you listen carefully and let the person finish, you may discern what he is assuming that you do not. Then you can probe these assumptions before you answer. Often, when dealing at this level, the question answers itself. It was really about these deeper differences.

Questions usually have attitudes as well as content. The attitude sometimes tells you as much as the content about what is really being asked. In fact, the attitude may tell you that the words being used in this question are not all what the issue is. When that is discerned, we should not make light of the words, but seriously ask questions to see if the attitude and the words are really asking the same question. If not, which is the one the questioner really wants answered?

Questions have context that you need to know. So many thoughts and circumstances and feelings may be feeding into this question that we don’t know about or understand. Careful listening may help you pick up those things. It may be that there is just a small clue that some crucial circumstance is behind the question. If you catch the clue, because you are listening carefully, you may be able to draw that out and be able to answer the question so much more helpfully.

Questions are made up of words. Words have meanings that are formed by a person’s experience and education. These words may not carry the same meaning for both you and the questioner. If you want to answer what they are really asking, you must listen very carefully. When the possibility exists that their question is rooted in a different understanding of a word, we will be wise to talk about the meaning of our words before we talk about the answer to the question. I find that talking about the definitions of words in questions usually produces the answer to the questions.

Proverbs 8:13 says it is our “folly” to answer before we hear. That is, it will make us a fool. One reason for this is that almost all premature answers are based on thinking we know all we need to know. But that is “foolish.” Our attitude should be: What can I learn from this question? The fool thinks he knows all he needs to know.

And finally Proverbs 8:13 says that it is our “shame” to answer before we hear. What if you are asked publicly, “My wife and I have had serious problems and we were wondering . . .” and you cut the questioner off by giving your answer about the value of counseling and what counselors might be helpful. But then they say, “Well, actually, what I was going to say was, “My wife and I have had serious problems and we were wondering, now that our counseling is over and things are better than ever, how you would suggest that we celebrate?” Then you will be shamed for not listening.

Still learning to listen with you,

Pastor John

©Desiring God

2005-10-28T15:09:00.000-05:00

This is fantastic. Very funny. Actually, I guess you'd sort ofo have to have a REALLY random sense of humor to enjoy this. I think it's golden.

Make sense, much?

2005-10-24T18:09:00.000-05:00

I'm a hopeless romantic.

But what is that? What does that mean? It seems a bit odd that those two words can be put together like that- "hopeless" and "romantic." I think it's a little bit of an oxymoron.

What did you just call me?

Anyway- I was thinking about it earlier, about how romantic movies like The Notebook and Fifty First Dates and even The Princess Bride make me all gushy, practically oozing estrogen. I turn into a simpering, slobbering GIRL when he takes her into his arms after he's lost her for twenty years, her crying, him passionate....stop. Kill me now. But I can't help it; I'm a sucker.

It's fake. All of it.

Does it ever happen like that? I'm not seriously inclined to think so. But even the story of how my parents came about fills my heart to overflowing. The world of romantic media (whether it's books, movies, or pictures even) has become a professional milking-the-emotions machine. It's not like they exactly come up with original plots, oh... EVER, and yet they still get me almost every time. Why? Am I hopeless? Is it really hopeless for me to try and find that man who will sweep me off my feet? Who will love me because he thinks I'm perfect?

I guess it is, yeah.

But that's not all of it I don't think. I love the idea of the nitty-gritty too. No one ever said marriage was a ride in the park, and if they did, go ahead and pull that pin and let them self-destruct.

That made no sense.

Marriage is made in the moments when you think you can't hold on any longer, the moments when you realize it was never you holding onto it in the first place. Marriage is made when everything about the person annoys you, and you're crazy about them anyway. When you're so in love with Christ that you can't help but see past all of their (and your) mistakes to love them with all you've ever known. Truman Capote once said, "Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have," and I think he's right. We get so caught up in how we "know" love should be that we miss what it actually is.

Sad, right?

Marriage isn't finding someone who will sweep you off your feet; it's finding someone who will sweep the kitchen floor so you can vacuum the living room. It's not finding someone who will love you because he thinks you're perfect; it's finding someone who will love you because of your imperfections.

And if that makes me hopeless, then just tie the anchor to my feet now, because I'm ready to sink.

...But somehow I think I'll end up floating.

"It's about right that the lightbulb is burned out." --Michael Payne

2005-10-23T23:35:00.000-05:00

"Close your eyes and spin the globe. I'll close my eyes and tell you when to stop. When I say so, you put your finger down to stop it from spinning, and wherever it lands is a place I'll take you someday."

"Awww, really?"

"Really."

"Okay, here we go."

".........STOP."

"Oh whoa dude!"

"What?"

"WHOA."

"WHAT?"

"You're not gonna believe this. Look at where my finger is."

"Oh whoa... is that weird or what? Austin, Texas, the exact place we are right now?"

"Yeah. Payne's house in Cedar Park."

"Whoa."

"I know, right? Whoa."

"I love you."

Oh, Happy Day!!

2005-10-22T21:31:00.000-05:00

MY BROTHER AND ASHLEY ARE ENGAGED!!! I'M GONNA FINALLY HAVE A SISTER!!!!

Murr bugs....

2005-10-20T14:51:00.000-05:00

I just bought a new lime green mini-brush to keep in my purse. There's nothing better than the feeling of pulling out that brush, runnng it through my hair, and then feeling the beautiful softness. It's the little things in life.

This was lame. Sorry.

I don't have time to write, so you get pictures from Friday night.

2005-10-18T17:04:00.000-05:00

We missed you, Mon... but here are the other three members of the posse.

They're so cute I wanna puke.

This man is worth about a billion dollars. Murr.

Thinking.

2005-10-17T22:46:00.000-05:00

Ever have one of "those" friends? The kind that call you, so very very excited about some useless, trivial fact, and they just HAD to tell you or THEY WOULD JUST DIE? When you're standing at the phone, wishing you had a cordless so you could BANG YOUR HEAD AGAINST SOMETHING HARD, but so you could still hear them and insert the appropriate, "Mmm-hmm, yes, OH GIRL YOU DIDN'T!"s, while the other track in your brain is screaming, "I DON'T CARE, PLEASE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE AND LET ME DIE." And then when you hang up thirty minutes later, not only can you NOT remember what they said, but you are somehow missing a chunk of time from your memory and you aren't quite sure where it went, and not quite sure if you really even care. They just HAD to tell you, and you just COULDN'T CARE LESS.

The kind of friend you have to CHOOSE to love because Jesus said you should?

....Yeah. Me too.

" 'The Story of Our Lives' by Allison Hamilton Calhoun... To my Love, Noah, read this to me and I'll come back to you."

2005-10-15T21:29:00.000-05:00

I just had a grand old cry in the bathroom. I mean a real sobfest. Why in the bathroom? Because I had to pee as well, and it seemed as good a place as any.

I had just finished watching The Notebook.

Now, I know that any women who have seen the movie have just let go a collective siiiiiiiiiigh, and the male percentage have let go a collective groan. I don't dispute that the movie is Sappy McSappyson, but it really is also good for cleaning out the tear ducts.

Whilst in the water closet, I prayed. I prayed because my heart wasn't in the right place. When the movie was over, I had tried to ask my mom a question. I couldn't get the words out of my mouth for fear that I would burst (literally) into tears and become a wimpering, blubbering puddle on the floor. And we can't have that.

So I turned away, stifled my tears (it's pretty sad that I'm so good at it- and I mean that), and told her that I had to potty (even though I didn't). I walked into the bathroom, shut the door on the dry cleaning, and let loose the torrent. It was pretty tame as far as torrents go, but for me it was something. I don't cry much.

So I prayed. I knew my heart was doubting, and I knew it hurt. I knew it was wrong. I prayed, and I prayed from the very bottom of my heart.

Lord, save my unbelieving heart. I'll be honest. I can't help thinking that I'll never have that. I know You've promised me a husband, I know You've given me dreams of him, and I know I'm not called to a life of singleness. Lord I believe; help my unbelief!*

*from Mark in the Bible

OO! OO! BABY!

2005-10-13T23:52:00.000-05:00

I just thought we could all use a little pick-me-up. I took this sometime last year, but I still love it to this day because Ted looks like a supermodel and Ashley is so beautiful here. These kids do I love!

...Verily..... er-- something.

New Banner again... I like it. :)

2005-10-11T01:13:00.000-05:00

So, not too much to say tonight, as I'm about to go to sleep, but I just wanted to pop in and let you all know what a FANTASTIC roomate I have this year. It's incredible to be blessed with such a sweet, sweet girl who loves to join together with me to glorify the name of Christ, even when we both have to repent of apathy. Accountability is an important and beautiful thing to cherish. Tonight we went through the first chapter of Hebrews, and it was very refreshing to just remind myself of who Jesus is, and the fact that who He is and what He has done and will do will never (nor have they ever) change(d). That didn't make a whole lot of sense grammatically, but you get my point. Anyway, I'm gonna hit the hay. Still stressed to the point of tears, but now that I have a little bit better of a grip on the bigger picture and have reminded myself of the God I serve, it doesn't seem quite so terrifying and I might just see the end in sight. :)

MRUARH!

2005-10-06T14:42:00.000-05:00

Sorry I haven't been around much, Stress-Beyond-The-Moonality has ensnared me once again. Yay school. I'll update again once I have time or just need a flippin' study break. :)

Ciao.

<3

Randomness ensues! :)

2005-10-04T23:30:00.000-05:00

Pardon the random assortment of pictures. Theses are all pictures that were on my phone, and as I'm switching to a new phone (cuz the one I have now is a piece of poop), I wanted to make sure that I didn't lose them. :)

Murr.

2005-10-04T23:23:00.000-05:00

2005-10-04T23:21:00.000-05:00

2005-10-04T23:17:00.000-05:00

2005-10-04T23:15:00.000-05:00

2005-10-04T23:14:00.000-05:00

2005-10-04T23:10:00.000-05:00

Murr

"Love must follow you around, cuz everytime we're close, it comes creepin in, deeper than I have ever known...." --Randy Rogers Band

2005-10-02T12:40:00.000-05:00

In the town of College Station, Texas, there is a certain eating establishment that can be reached by driving down Texas Ave. towards Bryan and turning off just before University. It can ALSO be reached by walking for half an hour from a dorm on the south side of Texas A&M University's campus, in shoes that mangle your feet, while shvetzing (I don't know how to spell yittish words. Or even "yittish"), and walking with two of the funniest people you know, while your other two best friends and their dates walk like the earth itself was on fire up ahead, so fast that you soon lose sight of them.

On the way to this Establishment, it might be suggested to take pictures, so that you can remember all of the fun moments and weird photo opportunities. Taking pictures in front of the Texas A&M University sign along Texas Avenue is entertaining, but also makes you look so very much like a freshmen, and the fact that your walking companions are also wearing their Howdy Overalls will cause cars and trucks and all manner of vehicles to honk and scream at you as they make their way down the road (in a good way).

Eating (or rather, not eating, in my case) at Denny's is also quite humorous, especially when one of your best friend's boyfriend (also one of your walking companions) sits at the opposite end of the table from you and sends you "your momma" text messages the whole time, shady little jokes that make you laugh until you can't breathe, and make the other table occupants look around awkwardly because they aren't in the loop. Well, until you feel bad and start showing them to the others, who then smile lightly but don't fully appreciate the geniusness of the plays on words.

All of the aforementioned good times make it only SLIGHTLY worth it to arrive back at your room in your dorm on campus (after, mind you, walking back again) with bleeding, yes, BLEEDING feet that are oozing the red substance in more than one place. As you were barely able to walk, your friends had to walk even slower than usual to let you keep up with them, and it was agony.

Just kidding though. The shoes, although assassins, were adorable, and it was more than believably worth it.

"There's always color in the corner...." -- J-Nut

2005-09-30T13:34:00.000-05:00

Snack Well cookies are good. People who turn their alarms off are not. Back scratching is GLORIOUS. You don't understand how good I love you. I tooted. Cherry Limeades make you pregnant. Whooshing is cool. Pictures are not a window to the soul. Your mom. Batteries taste funny. All I have to do is bounce to make you keep scratching my back. SOMEBODY tooted. MURR!!! OOOO!!! Oh, the humanity! Oh, I, oh... I had better go. Yes you better had. OOOOooooOOOOoooo. Is that the janitor lady? This is so retarded. I'm gonna go work on my overalls. :)

For Mom, with love. :)

2005-09-30T02:07:00.000-05:00

Mom wanted to know what the people I hang out with look like, so these pictures are Exhibit A. Rachel and her two children (her husband not pictured). Aren't they just precious? And no, I'm not referring to me and my extraordinary good-looks in the second picture. ;)

...Or am I? :)

Talk is cheap.

2005-09-27T01:42:00.000-05:00

I need something to nurture. My maternal instinct is freaking KILLING me. I'm not saying I want children necessarily, but everytime I see a puppy or a dog playing around with its master, my heart leaps and swells, and as corny as it sounds, flutters. I want a dog more then most things right now. The weird and probably a bit sad thing is though, that I can't seem to hold onto my money for any semblance of time. And if I can't do that now, while I don't even HAVE a dog, how am I going to manage it when I do? I suck at managing my money. I'll be straight up about it. No qualms. I do. I suck at it. And I know that's pretty bad, and that I need to work on it. But sometimes I just don't judge it that important to distinguish my needs from my wants. Or for that matter, my Godly needs from my temporal and fleeting wants. How's that for convicting? The thing is, I know all this stuff. I've known it for years. But until I start DOING something and stop blowing air out my butt, nothing's going to change. Talk does nothing. It only makes me two-faced. It's like weight-loss. I can say that I'm going to change and lose wait until I'm blue in the face, but until I start choosing vegetables over those brownies and running over that tv show, NOTHING WILL CHANGE. I am NOT God, and canNOT speak things into being. I cannot speak weightloss or money management into being and expect them to *poof!* magically be there. It doesn't work that way. Faith requires action. If I have faith that God has equipped me to do this or that but sit on the couch all day afraid to try, then I have effectively thrown the gifts back in His face, telling Him that His gifts aren't good enough.

Why do we as humans always try to do everything ourselves and yet at the very same time take no action at all?

PS- I finished my short story for my ENGL 235 class, Intro to Creative Writing Prose. I've already sent it to a few people, but I wanted to ask internet-land if y'all would like me to post it here? It's pretty long, so I suppose I could do it in installments, although I'd rather not. :)

For Monica and Shannon's Facebook Group Pic....

2005-09-25T22:32:00.000-05:00

PS- CONGRATS L&J!!!!! :)

From L's Blog...

2005-09-25T17:21:00.000-05:00

"Hopes and dreams without faith are nothing more than wishes, really. Wishes are forlorn things that create both daydreamers and serial killers. If we have faith, we pattern our hopes and our dreams after the reality of Christ within us and we call upon His Spirit to drive us toward that goal. If we fool ourselves into thinking that we're driving - we end up in dark alleys and dead end streets. If we submit to the reality of the Spirit's driving - amazing things are in store.

So dream. Dream big things in faith and let God take you where you never thought you could go."

Rawr....

2005-09-24T18:53:00.000-05:00

Well, that was only SLIGHTLY disappointing. I was wishing for a little bit more of an awesome storm. Don't get me wrong, I don't wish for damage or flooding or anything like that, but I at least wanted some rain. Bah, Rita. Bah.

Conversational Recollections Part Deux - Humorous

2005-09-20T13:53:00.000-05:00

DaisiesRockOn (1:09:41 PM): mruarh
doulos2k (1:10:01 PM): really - that's nice
DaisiesRockOn (1:10:36 PM): yessir
DaisiesRockOn (1:10:39 PM): mraurh
doulos2k (1:11:38 PM): wow - what happened next?
DaisiesRockOn (1:12:37 PM): and i rawred
DaisiesRockOn (1:12:42 PM): and scared the mruarh away
doulos2k (1:13:01 PM): yay! (applause)
DaisiesRockOn (1:13:09 PM): thank you, thank you
DaisiesRockOn (1:13:33 PM): and then the berizhnagork came in and took all the credit
DaisiesRockOn (1:13:35 PM): i was sad
doulos2k (1:13:51 PM): silly berizhnagork
DaisiesRockOn (1:13:58 PM): but then my maork came and rawred and scared the berizhnagork away
DaisiesRockOn (1:14:01 PM): so that was good
doulos2k (1:14:06 PM): very good indeed
doulos2k (1:14:10 PM): (applause)
DaisiesRockOn (1:14:11 PM): lol
DaisiesRockOn (1:14:13 PM): yes quite
DaisiesRockOn (1:14:30 PM): but then the other dirjy came and kidnapped my maork
DaisiesRockOn (1:14:36 PM): so i had to go save her
DaisiesRockOn (1:14:51 PM): i took my hirbish with me
DaisiesRockOn (1:15:01 PM): he was handy to have around, let me tell you!
doulos2k (1:15:02 PM): how did the dirjy get out of belfrk?
DaisiesRockOn (1:15:33 PM): oooo, good question my friend!
DaisiesRockOn (1:15:41 PM): the gorbish let him out
DaisiesRockOn (1:15:49 PM): very nasty business indeed
doulos2k (1:16:36 PM): oh my goodness - after you went and had the plogrw explain to the gorbish why the dirjy had to stay in belfrk and everything!
doulos2k (1:17:15 PM): i guess the gorbish didn't believe the plogrw (or you for that matter)
DaisiesRockOn (1:17:17 PM): o yes, my friend... oh yes. like i said, nasty business.... the gorbish was obviously dirty
DaisiesRockOn (1:17:26 PM): taking bribes and such
doulos2k (1:17:30 PM): NO!
DaisiesRockOn (1:17:36 PM): and now he's disappeared
DaisiesRockOn (1:17:37 PM): oh YES
DaisiesRockOn (1:17:56 PM): ne'er a trace of him ANYWHERE
doulos2k (1:18:00 PM): well, I think you could send the treslig after him
DaisiesRockOn (1:18:08 PM): oh, i did
DaisiesRockOn (1:18:08 PM): i did
doulos2k (1:18:16 PM): wow - and still no luck?
doulos2k (1:18:44 PM): the treslig can usually find ANYTHING - though gorbish can be quite sneaky - as we've discovered
DaisiesRockOn (1:18:52 PM): the treslig can move much faster than me and my hirbish, so he got there faster
DaisiesRockOn (1:19:18 PM): and found the gorbish fast asleep because my maorg had sung him a lullaby!
DaisiesRockOn (1:19:23 PM): she's a smart maorg
doulos2k (1:19:26 PM): taking bribes and letting out dirjies - next thing you know the gorbish will put the yiklib IN belfrk
doulos2k (1:19:36 PM): and that will be sad business indeed
DaisiesRockOn (1:19:40 PM): o PERISH the thought!
doulos2k (1:20:07 PM): (is having a hard time believing that we're having this conversation)

Conversational Recollections....

2005-09-18T19:36:00.000-05:00

"Daddy?"

"Yes, punkin."
"Are you gonna go bald on this new chemo?"
"Yes, Princess, I am. At least that's what they tell me."
"Hmmm. Like, bald bald?"
"Yep."
"Oh."
"Heather?"
"Yes, Daddy?"
"You like to draw with markers, don't you?"
"Yes."
"Well, when I go bald, would you like to draw on my head with your markers? It'll be fun. Besides, I'll be wearing a hat anyway."
"Haha, awesome! I'd be honored to draw on your bald head with markers."
"Great, I thought you might say that. What will you draw?"
"Oh, I dunno. Pretty things. Like flowers, maybe some birds, or some pretty swirly things..."

"Hey, Daddy. How are you feeling?"
"I've been better. You?"
"I'm alright."
"Good. How was school?"
"It was alright. Your day?"
"Fine. I almost got out of bed today."
"Really? That's great."
"Heh, yeah I suppose. What did ya'll do in school today?"
"Oh you know... learned."
"Haha, don't get smart with me you little snot."
"Haha. Do you need anything? Another pillow or something?"
"How 'bout a blanket?"
"Sure. Comin' right up!"
"Thanks precious girl. I love you."
"I love you too, Daddy."

"Hey, Papa!"
"Hi precious girl. Haha, you're excited about this, aren't you?"
"Of course! This is freaking awesome!"
"Haha, well then. Is that the sterilized needle?"
"Yessir. You ready?"
"Yep. Sure am. It itches like crazy."
"I bet. But who knew that getting bitten by a brown recluse spider could be so cool for your daughter?"
"Haha. Well, yeah. How could my arm swelling up into a huge puss pocket that you now have to poke with that needle and drain NOT be cool for you?"
"Haha. My bad. I can't help it. It IS fun."
"I know. You ARE your mother's daughter."
"Stop stalling. Ready to get this over with?"
"Yep. Go ahead."

"Hello?"
"Sweetheart, it's Daddy. Where are you?"
"Oh sorry. I'm still in the band hall."
"What are you doing?"
"I was just messing around. But I'll be right out."
"Did you forget you have to drive me to the hospital this afternoon?"
"Oh man! I did, I'm sorry. Are you in the parking lot?"
"Mmm-hmmm."
"Sorry. Like I said, I'm coming out now."
"'Kay."

"...Papa?"
"Mmmm."
"Daddy, can I get you anything? Another pillow? More medicine?"
"Mmm-mmm..."
"Are you in a lot of pain? Do you need the nurse?"
"..."
"Daddy?"
"Mmmm?"
"I love you, Daddy. I....I just wanted you to know that. I love you. And I'm praying for you."
"I..............I love................. you too."

"Mom?"
"Yes, Sweetie?"
"I miss Daddy."
"I know, baby. So do I. So do I."

As gently as a butterfly with sore feet...

2005-09-14T13:37:00.000-05:00

Faith. Who knew that such a little word could have such an impact on one's life. It's pretty incredible, actually. And if I had more time I might write about it. But I don't. So ya'll will just have to wait, won't you? ;)

Rawr.
(And no, I didn't take this, though I wish I could claim it. Someday. :))

"It's like everybody loves you, and everybody wants you lately...it's like everybody needs you and everybody sees you today..." --Josh Kelly

2005-09-11T17:05:00.000-05:00

My beautiful roomie at the Janet's boyfriend's rugby scrimmage.
It was mad fun times. :)
Click to enlarge it, it looks cooler big.

These are the hams I live with. Wow.

Peace.

RAWR! (This post has NOTHING to do with the picture. :))

2005-09-10T01:30:00.000-05:00

Roaches. I HATE ROACHES. I don't even like the word "roaches." Bleh. And yet, it seems that roaches are all we see on our nightly walks around campus. Roaches scurrying about, this way and that, their little feeler antennae things roaming about in front of them. Whenever Janet or I see one, we give an audible gasp and hop on out the way, dawg. Now I know some people are deathly afraid of bees (I'm alright unless someone around me screams), and some are afraid of ants (hmmm), but my major things are spiders, snakes, and ROACHES. I hate them! Even dead ones! I make my mommy come pick them up with a paper towel and throw them away, and if they're alive, I stand on the couch until she's got proof the little bugger is dead. It might be irrational, yes, but I can't help it. It doesn't make much sense. You would think that since my brother made me kill or catch/release crickets when we were younger (he was deathly afraid, poor thing- but not any more, haha), that I would not be afriad of bugs. But I am. Hate them. They outnumber humans one million to one! I think. It's something like that. I'm not quite sure. But I know one thing for sure:

I HATE THEM.

(Sorry this was so random. :))

"Wake the dead, serial sleepers slay with words unsaid." --House of Heroes

2005-09-09T00:49:00.000-05:00

Hang in there New Orleans. You'll be back on your feet in no time.
(Taken on my trip there in February by yours truly.)

Ah. I am so not feeling much in the way of creativity lately. I'm in a slump. I think I'm in the right major though, because I am LOVING my two english classes. LOVE. :)

And a random update on my PHIL prof- I now can't decide if he really DOES believe God exists or not. I think he wears a cross wedding ring and it's just a feeling I've got. This requires closer attention. :)

<3

(Sorry this wasn't more exciting.)

palaybra!

2005-09-06T20:22:00.000-05:00

Janet and her man. Wheeeeee.

PLEASE respond to this if you have ANY thoughts AT ALL. :)

2005-09-02T14:09:00.000-05:00

I think Philosophy 240 is going to be interesting. It's Intro to Logic but it counts as a Math 142 credit so that's why I'm taking it, because I'm awful at math, so I'm hoping that approaching it differently will help. Anyway, yesterday he gave us an intro to the course material, like the differences between inductive and deductive arguments and the difference between valid/invalid and sound/unsound arguments. It was pretty interesting, because he started off by proving by deductive reasoning that God does not exist. He gave this set of premises:

1. God is omniscient. (all-knowing)
2. God is omnipotent. (all-powerful)
3. God is omnibenevolent. (desires good for all mankind, hates all evil)
4. Evil exists.

So then he said that that argument disproves the existence of God. Because if evil exists (and it does), then at least one of the other three points would be proved wrong. So God could be omnibenevolent and just not have known that evil would come about (omniscience) and have been unable to stop it (omnipotent), or He could have known and does have the ability to stop it but chooses not to, losing the omnibenevolence argument. Does that make sense? I tried to remember it exactly as he said it, and I took notes, so I think what I've relayed here is a pretty accurate portrayal of what he said.

But see, the only thing is that to disprove a deductive argument, one only needs to present a counter point. Just one example that goes against the deduction. For instance, he gave the point that if God created us as free-will human beings, and chose only to stop those events that were evil, then we wouldn't really be free.

I'm not quite sure I understand that. But I'm working on it in my head. :) Besides, I've never heard before that God is omnibenevolent. I mean, I know that He is everything good and righteous and what-not, but I don't think it's true that He wants to stop everything bad from happening to us. I mean, I know personally that the times when I've grown the most spiritually was during times of great anguish and pain. If everything was all roses and cherries all the time, then we wouldn't need Christ, now would we? We would never be able to appreciate what we have.

At the end of class he said, "Okay, I think that's about it. Any questions? About homework, tests, whatever? No? Anyone wanna debate the existence of God? No again? Alright then. Have a great day everyone." So he invited someone to debate him about the existence of God. He never came right out and said it, but I get the incredibly distinct impression that he doesn't think God does exist. I seriously wanted to debate him, but who am I kidding? I don't know anything. I know God exists because I've felt Him and heard Him, things that I couldn't possibly attribute to anything else, and besides that it's just not something I've ever been inclined to doubt, but I don't know enough solid, concrete evidence to defend myself without getting hammered. But I intend to learn. We'll see how it goes.

Oh and by the way, question..... He wrote this on the board at the very very beginning of class:

God...........................................Truth

and then asked, "Which is more important?" I was inclined to think that God is, because just because you believe that something isn't true doesn't make it UNtrue. But then again, that argument is based on truth again. (Aside from the obvious argument that God is the most important thing/person/Being ever). And never even MIND the fact that believing something is true is different from the actual truth of the matter. So I didn't know WHAT to think. Opinions? Answers? Thoughts?

WARNING: Questionable Material Ahead

2005-08-31T23:02:00.000-05:00

So tonight I got to do something I've never done before:

I sold clothes to a dominatrix.

No joke, my friends. I just about peeed my pants. Of course, I didn't KNOW she was a dominatrix until much later in the conversation, but yeah. It was interesting. It went something like this:

Me: "Hi there, welcome to Lane Bryant. Is there anything we can help you find today?"
Angie: "Hi! Um, I'm looking for something slinky... but not too slinky."
Me: "Sure! Classy not trashy, right?"
A: "Exactly!"
H: "Okay, let's see what we've got here. Lemme think."

*Rummage and roam around until I find a few things, then give them to her, then...*

H: "To help me know better how to help you find what you're looking for, what are you needing these things for?"
A: "An interview."
H: "Oh, awesome! What's your interview for?"
A: "Well, I guess it's actually more of a date."

*I am supremely confused. I've never heard these two words used to describe the same thing before.*

H: "Oh, uh, right."

*Awkward silence*

A (very quietly): "I, uh, sort of lead an alternative lifestyle."
H: "Hmm? I'm sorry?"
A: "I'm kind of a dominant female and my interview tomorrow is with a submissive male. We decided to call it a date."
H: "An interview, huh?"
A: "Yes. To decide if we want to.... ya know...."

*I'm thinking... AWKWAD TURTLE! AWKWARD TURTLE!!*

H: "Right. Of course."

*I'm sure I was all shades of crimson*

H: "How, uh, did you find him?"
A: "A service."
H: "A service?!"
A: "Yes. A service that places dominant females with submissive males who have the same likes and interests."
H: "Oh...... neat........... Are you ready to checkout ma'am? 'Scuse me Angie, I need to go help this other lady."
A: "Sure."

How incredibly awkward. That's what I get for trying to engage the customer and be interested in their life. She didn't even buy anything and I spent a good hour with her.

Bah. She needs Jesus.

(It was kinda funny later though, after I stopped shaking, haha. I'm 19, a Christian, and a virgin. Could I have been any more embarrassed? Doubtful. ;))

"Save our souls from all our dreams come true" --House of Heroes

2005-08-31T00:09:00.000-05:00

Well that didn't last long. I came back from Impact all jazzed and motivated to do better in my Walk and I lasted all of about 3 days. THREE DAYS! How pathetic is that? Kinda makes me wonder if I was even really changed at retreat/camp. How could I have been and still have dropped it so soon? Where did all the "jazziness" go?

But then I search deep and really think critically. Honestly. And I find something new that wasn't there before. A new resolve and a new way of thinking. I was changed. The kind of change that doesn't happen in one night. The kind that isn't me just "trying to do better." The kind that realizes that if it IS me "trying," that I'll once again last three days or probably less. The kind that lets God take control.

I think I've finally learned what most of you already know: that even though I might screw up like a corkscrew when it comes to my quiet times, I don't have to wait until the next retreat or the next camp to fix it. I don't have to slowly wither away on the inside until my next "Jesus fix." I can fall on my face right here and now in my room to get myself right with God again. And I guess also, it doesn't even have to be as melodramatic as that. Sometimes I think that God needs some big show of emotion, and since I can't give that to Him right now, I just won't do it at all, ever. All I have to do is talk to Him. Tell Him I know I messed up, tell Him to stick it out with me just one more time while I give it another go, then another, and another. God is faithful because He cannot disown Himself (2nd Timothy I think).

So I suppose in some sort of summary, I've just been learning a lot lately about how my God is an extraordinarily patient God, and how He is overflowing with love that He wants to pour into me. Here I was thinking that God was some distant, unreachable Being who wanted only to play the Puppet Master, when in reality, I was the only one stopping the torrential flow of perfect, unending Love from washing over me. He'll come as close as we let Him.

So I'm going to try my best to get into a habit of quiet times and starting my day off right, but I now recognize the fact that this is something I struggle with, and something that won't be solved easily. There will be sacrifices involved. And now that I know a little bit more of what's facing me, I can be a little better prepared for the attack when it comes. God's revealing small bits of a huge lesson to me a little at a time, and frankly, I can't wait for more, no matter how much it hurts.

So to quote LeeAnn Womack (I know, I know):

"Bring on the rain."

YARGH, MATEY!!!! >:(

2005-08-29T14:02:00.000-05:00

So the internet's still down, but only me, yes, just for me! My roomate's works beautifully, so does the girls' across the hall, but now they're ("they" being the faceless voices in the telephone from Student Computing Services) thinking that it might be the wall plug, and NOT my computer. Geeeeeee, ya think? MY computer doesn't suck. :(

Gracious. Frustrated much?

So Nick (Janet's brother) is going to bring his computer over later to see if a computer that he KNOWS works will work or if it really IS the plug, in which case, they will open up a work order and "get right over" to fix it. Yeah right. In my wildest dreams will they make it before October.

Meh.

Superchic[k] is super!! :)

2005-08-25T13:49:00.000-05:00

Once again, nothing to say for a while until I get all moved in and settled and what-not, then I'll update with some random story or something. Just wanted to let ya'll know I'm not dead. ;)

Kisses!

"You and me were made to shine!" --John David Webster

2005-08-23T13:13:00.000-05:00

Well well well, all moved in. Except not. I on purpose didn't bring my clothes and such with me, intending to go home later this week to get them, and good thing too! I forgot to bring:

-an ethernet cord (for my computer to be connected to the internet-hence me posting from Shannon (my roomate's) computer and the lack of picture on this post).
-any sort of notepad or writing accutrement (I don't even know if I spelled that right)...which you wouldn't think would be nearly as important as it is.
-PUSH PINS. I am moving into a dorm that must be decorated- how could I think to forget PUSH PINS?!
-a phone. Self-explanatory.
-a hammer and nails. Great for hammering stuff.
-tape. 'Nuf said.
-double-sided tape. I love the stuff. So very, very important for taping things.
-body-spray and other assorted smell-good items. But don't fret! I most assuredly brought deodorant. :)
-pictures. You would think I have no friends or family, the way my room looks now. Bah. And I was so looking forward to decorating and arranging them all. But no, I forgot them.

So I am quite relieved that I will be going home in a couple of days to retrieve all of this, including my clothes (which are very important;)). One good thing that happened is that as my friends were helping me unload my car this girl asked if we wanted some shelves that hang on the TINY lip we have in our walls but that other dorms don't have, and they are actually pretty dang cool! We snapped them up for 'round about $20, and they look fabulous (well, they will after we paint them- they're a nauseating shade of blue).

Anyway, I need a shower like a sinner needs Jesus, but I just wanted to update a bit and let ya'll know where I'm at at the current junction. :)

(Wow, that Jesus comment was horrible... I shouldn't liken my bathing habits to Jesus' saving Grace.)

Confession does nothing for an omniscient God. But it does everything for us.

2005-08-20T19:19:00.000-05:00

It's an odd feeling to come back so deeply changed to a world that's still so frustratingly the same. To come back from a camp that was so immersed in Christ to a world that's incredibly immersed in sin. To come back from a Christian bubble to a swirling cess pool. It's, as I said before, an odd feeling. Like getting out of the jacuzzi to take a running leap into the freezing pool. I fit, but I'm set apart; I gel, but I don't mix. I'm in, but not of. I'm changed, but still the same.

But so very, very changed.

During the week our speaker, Ben Stuart, talked about the day he went into his backyard and was finally honest with God. He said (something to the effect of), "Lord, I hate you. I don't know why, I know it's wrong, and I don't know how to fix it. But I do. And I dunno what else to say." And then turned and went back into his house. He said that that was the best thing he could have done, because he was finally being honest with himself, and now God could work in him, doing mighty things and stirring much in his soul. That hit me. It's okay to tell God you're mad at Him? You don't have to fake something you don't feel?

It is, and you don't. So sometime over the next day or so (I don't remember the exact time I did it), I told God that I was mad at Him. I had realized that I was trying SO hard to fool myself. I was lying to others, lying to God, and lying in my heart. I desperately wanted to be okay, I wanted to be whole, and I wanted my Daddy back. But as the latter could never happen, I concentrated on the formers. I desperately wanted to be whole. I tried so hard to be okay for other people, shoving the lump in my throat back down into my stomach when others would cry on my shoulder, asking me for comfort when I also needed comfort (talking about friends here, not family). I needed to cry, to scream, and to be held, but I never found the time. And no one gave it to me. Don't misunderstand. I am fully aware that there are many who would have been willing, but I never felt that it was okay for me to be weak. There were so many who needed me that my need for other people was eclipsed. I am not blaming anyone, sometimes it just happens that way.

I was too scared to admit that I was feeling any of this, but instead busied myself in the act of comforting others, hoping that somehow I would be comforted as well. The comfort never came. In all of this, I was ignoring the One Person who really could comfort me. I didn't know where to turn, so I turned to myself. Two guesses about how that turned out. Yep, big mistake. As I turned farther inward, hoping to find something I could cling to, I grew colder and stiffer in my heart. I could barely stand it, but during it all, I pretended. I desperately wanted to tell the truth, to be real, but couldn't bring myself to need. To need others, to need Christ. I hated myself with a deep, painful loathing, everytime someone asked how I was and heard the reply, "Fine, I'm fine." Let me tell you, that word, "fine," is rarely truthful. From anyone, not just me. Since December of 2003 I had been slowly dying inside.

And let me tell you, it was lonely. I felt so utterly alone. I allowed no one to see the real me I was battling inside, instead putting on the mask that Allison and I talk about so much. The feeling that no one really knows you and never will, is one of the worst feelings I can imagine. It hurt. There was always the barrier of my secret battle coming between my relationships with other people. I was alone even in a crowded room.

Anyway (that was long bunny trail), I told God how I felt. I said I was angry, that I didn't hate Him, but that I could not understand for the life of me why He had to take MY dad and let MY mom get sick. I spoke most of what Ben had said, that I was angry, didn't know how to fix it, but knew that it had to change. It was killing me.

Anyway, all the rest of the week, God spoke nothing to me about my dad or about my irrational anger, but flooded me with lessons about His agape Love (unconditional love), and about intimacy. Oh, the things I learned about intimacy! I don't know that I could even put them into words, but I felt them. I felt Him. And even though He never directly adressed my confession, it was as if He was saying, "It's okay. Let me fix it. Let me do it. I love you with an unending, unbreakable Love, and I want to make you whole again. Let me."

It was beautiful. I know I use this phrase so much, but it really was a beautiful surrender. I surrendered my anger and frustration to God, and began to let Him heal and fill me, to make me whole again. I am still not there, but one big thing has changed- I AM NOT ALONE IN THIS. I AM NOT ALONE IN THIS FIGHT, AND I AM NOT ALONE IN MY GRIEF. I have brothers and sisters in Christ who fight with me, and who support me, but more important than all of that, if they all left me tonight, I would still have Christ. And He will NEVER leave me.

No matter how broken, how dirty, or how scarred I become, He will always love me, and He will always be there to pick me back up and set me back on the path, until that shining day when I shall see His glorious Face, and shall dance before His throne. And I shall see my Daddy again, his body whole and beautiful, unmarred by the pain of leukemia. Maranatha, even so Lord, come quickly.

Come quickly.

(Sorry this was so long. You know how it is.)

"How great is our God, sing with me, how great is our God, and all will see how great, how great, is our God." --Chris Tomlin

2005-08-18T00:58:00.000-05:00

My idea about the trees :)

Well all, I'm back from the most amazing week ever! This week at Impact2K5 has been incredible as far as weeks go. I grew so much this week, just in terms of intimacy with Jesus, honesty, and trust in God. It was awesome. Jesus really does want to romance us, but I'll get to that later.

Me and Blaire

It was awesome to get to be on the other side of it too, getting to watch the freshmen grow too, and getting to play a small role in God's greater plan. I was incredibly honored. I fell in love with these freshmen, and I've only known them for four days. Jesus Christ definitely showed up this week, and all of our lives were impacted.

My beautiful girls in my BASIC group

The beautiful people pictured here are all the kiddos (haha, they're only like a year younger than me, heh) from Brad and my's BASIC group. They all blessed my life in a very real way, and taught me so much that I almost felt like a camper sometimes.

Um, wow. That's interesting. And that's my partner on the right, too. HA!

I learned so much about intimacy with Christ. He WANTS to romance us, and wants us to fall so completely in love with Him! I definitely encountered Him these few days, and I hope I never forget it. I also learned to be honest with Him. I'm angry with Him, and I don't know what to do about it, I don't know how to fix it, but I'm being honest with myself. I told Him all this, and it was almost as if He was telling me, "It's okay. Let me do it. Let ME fix it." It was beautiful. Like my banner said a few weeks ago, it was such a beautiful surrender.

Such a beautiful surrender, and what a beautiful Jesus.

Mmm! Mmm! Good!

2005-08-11T04:46:00.000-05:00

Off to College Station for two days then Impact for four. See you all soon. :)

The Crickets Are Invading!

2005-08-10T18:29:00.000-05:00

I worked a double at LB today (from 9a to 6p), and when I got there to open with my manager, Amy, we both arrived at the door at the same time. She unocked it of course (I don't have keys), and then she held the door for me, making me the first person to enter the store this morning. And what did I see to my utter amazement but a HORDE of crickets streaking away from the door as though caught with their proverbial hands in the cookie jar. Amy gave a tiny squeak, gasping, "Ohmygoodness, there's so many!"

I could only stand and stare as Amy went to shut off the alarm, the crickets launching themselves at nothing in particular. Little did I know what was to come, though I thought it funny when it came. Yes, yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, I was declared the official "Cricket Killer." Now now, before you lose your head and say something you'll regret (;)), please know that I DID try to reason with them first. But, alas, crickets are nasty little creatures, and would not let me usher them safely outside, but instead merely jumped away from me a few inches every time I tried to corner one, and then paused, taunting me, until I tried again.

So finally, after I accidently stepped on one on my way to the stockroom and saw that the other crickets did not rise in righteous anger against me, but merely hopped away gleefully, I decided that I would not hunt them down, but would not avoid them either. Thus began the Great Cricket Massacre of 2005.

Let's do the math: two big, size 10 feet attached to two long legs, + a measly and very, very dumb, cricket = little cricket carcasses all over the floor.

Poor little buggers. Maybe they'll learn from this mistake. :)

(Although, there WERE some rather cunning, agile ones who managed to escape my Sole of Justice. But their time is coming soon. Very, very soon.)

Daaaaaaaa Bears.

2005-08-10T01:34:00.000-05:00

Bleh. Takin a short break from the blog, and even after I just redesigned it (or rather, Larry did :)).

I hover between loving what I write and hating the act of writing, and right now I don't hate it, but I don't exactly yearn for it either. Not feelin' it much.

...And I just don't have much to say.

Whoopeeeeeeeee!

2005-08-08T01:30:00.000-05:00

Many, many, MANY thanks to L. for helping me set this new template up. I'm horribly html-impaired. :)

No update for now, just wanted to intro the new template.

Beautiful Rachael (Justin's fiancee), Carrie, and her mother, Sherri.

"No, we don't touch or rub other peoples' bosoms."
(Don't ask. ;))

"Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again... and there'll be beauty from pain." --Superchic[k]

2005-08-06T01:40:00.000-05:00

So I've decided that since it's only been five days since I put up the Soli banner, I'll leave it up for at least another day or two, or until I get more tired of it.

So hey guess what else? Not meaning to bring down the mood or anything, but I'm a filthy rotten sinner saved by Grace. Mmm! Mmm! Good!

:)

"We courted death in order to call ourselves brave, and hid like thieves from life."

2005-08-05T02:33:00.000-05:00

Haha okay, so because I have nothing better to do (not true, but go with me here), I've already made another banner. I'll post it here so you guys can tell me if you think I should go ahead and switch even though it's only been a little while, or if you think I should stay with the one I have currently.

Click it to make it bigger. :)

Oh and by the way, something humorous happened tonight after Mother went to bed. My chair broke underneath me, resulting in my ending up on the floor in a rather painful position (the jeans I'm wearing have big metal buttons on the back pockets), in a dazed stupor wondering what in tarnation had just happened. It was kind of sad however, because I did so love this chair. It rolled, and was blue. Ah, my blue rolling chair. So sad to see you go. It's too bad one of your legs just up and snapped clean off though. You cheap piece of poop!

Since I'm kind of feeling all over the place this evening (or morning as the case may be), I'll leave you with this fan-TASTIC quote I stole from Marcus:

"And fantasy it was, for we were not strong, only aggressive; we were not free, merely licensed; we were not compassionate, we were polite; not good, but well behaved. We courted death in order to call ourselves brave, and hid like thieves from life." -Toni Morrison, The Bluest Eye

Blog Stalker on the Loose

2005-08-04T23:26:00.000-05:00

I stalk blogs on a regular basis, mostly of illustrators or photographers, and I love these pictures taken by some lady or other who up and went to Spain just because she could. OOOOOOooo, makes me wanna go to Spain. :)

Mmmmmmmmmmmm.

The Best New Song...

2005-08-03T05:13:00.000-05:00

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive
But I feel like I've died

And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God let me walk through this place

And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how You've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

Here and I am at the end of me (at the end of me)
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to your promise there will be a dawn

...Superchic[k] "Beauty From Pain"

...Absolutely beautiful. :)

Bein' "gangsta" at Disneyland when we were like 6 and 4. If that. We are so awesome. :)

2005-08-02T14:56:00.000-05:00

My brother and I were "gangstas" long before the term was coined. :)
Haha, I found this picture today and had to post it.

Few of you will understand the significance of the last line of this post.

2005-08-02T01:03:00.000-05:00

Last night Willie and I had a talk after youth was over about some very serious stuff. At one point, Willie asked me if I could really and truly be honest with myself about how much I read the Bible. I said that I don't because it just seemed really daunting, that I didn't know where to start. So anyway, the short of it is that he suggested I start in Mark. This afternoon I did just that, and read the first chapter. I know it doesn't seem like much, but I was so happy, and I felt like no matter how small the amount, I was honoring God by just doing it. It was a nice feeling. A small step, but a step nonetheless.

Basically, I wanted to say this: I didn't wanna just read it to read it, I wanted to actually LEARN something. So I think I might be starting a daily thought on the Word section. Hmm. At any rate, here's part of what I read today (and don't you dare skip or skim over it- the Bible is SO much more important then what I have to say):

Jesus Casts Out an Unclean Spirit

²¹ Then they went into Capernaum, and immediately on the Sabbath He entered the synagogue and taught. ²² And they were astonished at His teaching, for He taught them as one having authority, and not as the scribes.
²³ Now there was a man in their synagogue with an unclean spirit. And he cried out, ²⁴ saying, “Let us alone! What have we to do with You, Jesus of Nazareth? Did You come to destroy us? I know who You are—the Holy One of God!”
²⁵ But Jesus rebuked him, saying, “Be quiet, and come out of him!” ²⁶ And when the unclean spirit had convulsed him and cried out with a loud voice, he came out of him. ²⁷ Then they were all amazed, so that they questioned among themselves, saying, “What is this? What new doctrine is this? For with authority^[f] He commands even the unclean spirits, and they obey Him.” ²⁸ And immediately His fame spread throughout all the region around Galilee.

THAT'S the God I serve! I know that many of you have probably read and heard all of this before, but I prayed to see something new, and it just seemed to me that this was incredible- all Jesus had to do was speak- SPEAK!- and the demon came out of the man. Even the demons tremble at his presence. It seems to me that when I most want to put God in a box, He always manages to blow the box apart and with it all of my preconceived notions of who He is and what He can do or just how big He really is. He loves me.

.... And He most definitely wants me.

Soli Deo Gloria- To God Alone Be The Glory

2005-08-01T01:08:00.000-05:00

So I haven't had much to say the past few days, so instead of just blabbering, I figured I'd just... not. Anyway, what do we think about the new banner? I made it with a picture I took (no touchups or anything). I think I like it a lot. :) But if the general consensus is that I changed too quickly or that you all liked the other one better, then I'll change back.

Went through a lot in the past few hours, but my mind can't really function or process it right now. So yeah. Sorry if you (the collective you) are getting bored with my blog, but I go through cycles.

Meh.

While the cat's away, the children will play...

2005-07-29T21:56:00.000-05:00

Doobie doobie doo... I'm over here at the Scher house babysitting so that precious Shea and her husband Michael can have some time to themselves to be married. :) But it is a mite slow here... the kids are already in bed, and I've already finished my magazine that I brought with me, so I'm sitting here watching King of Queens and trying to figure out what to do. I'm not bored bored, but I just have to be careful so that I don't wake the chillins. Who are incredibly PRECIOUS by the way. ;)

Bah. Don't got NOTHIN ta say. :)

Heidi-Ho Neighbors

2005-07-28T16:29:00.000-05:00

So apparently I'm better at writing vignettes than at writing other stuff. Hmm. Agree?

Late-Breaking News: Man in Restaurant Narrowly Avoids Assassination Attempt

2005-07-26T23:19:00.000-05:00

"WHOA! Did you-? How did-? What the-?!"

"OhmygoshLarry,Iamsosososorry! SO. SORRY."

"You just- I can't believe that you just- you- YOU JUST TRIED TO KILL ME!"

I could barely contain my laughter. The tears were beginning to seep out from under my eyelids, and I was shaking. In fact, for those of you who know me, I was into my patented "I'm Laughing So Hard That I Can't Breathe And My Eyes Are Watering And I'm Squeaking And My Nostrils Are Flaring Ninety Miles A Minute But I Just Can't Force A Sound To Come Out Of My Silently Squeaking Mouth And I Just Can't Bring Myself To Care" deep belly laugh. I wasn't the only one. The shocked and surprised looks around the table had quickly-and I mean in shorter time than it takes for me to lose a game of Goldeneye 007 to my brother- loosened into riotous laughter, the kind that leaves your stomach aching and your muscles twitching.

I watched as a bewildered hostess walked over to where the silverware had landed on the floor, the clak-clak-clakking of her heels punctuating her look of utter confusion. She bent slowly and picked up the fork, eyeing our table (which was still laughing) suspiciously. With a flitting look of disdain, she spun and clak-clakked away, into the kitchen, no doubt to have the fork washed of my germs.

When we had calmed enough to breathe, wiping our eyes with the backs of our hands, Jana turned to me, chuckling, and asked, "Heather, how did that even HAPPEN?"

Well basically, Internet Land, it happened like this: we were all sitting around the table, laughing and fellowshipping like always, when Larry said something I didn't agree with or teased me or something (hey, this was YEARS ago- yay for memories popping up at random times- but that's beside the point), so I- not even thinking- grabbed my rolled silverware in order to accentuate my point. Gripping the greyish napkin, I said something to the effect of, "That. Is. So. Wrong." and with each word, a flick of the wrist in his direction.

Well, I guess I wasn't gripping as firmly as I thought, because on "Wrong," the fork slipped out and before any of us knew what was happening, it had dinged the side of Larry's hat (thank goodness he was wearing one), and flown across the back of the dining room, hitting the wall and dropping solidly to the floor with a resounding CLANG!

... It was awesome. I narrowly missed successfully assassinating my (at the time) youth leader. :)

Wh08p for good times and great memories that span the ages. :)

On the road of life, there are many twists and turn-offs... are you paying attention?

2005-07-25T23:59:00.000-05:00

It's funny when you find that you and a friend that you have so much history with no longer see eye-to-eye about things. Priorities shift, friends change, and we grow up. Meh. I like the direction I've grown so far.

But it's hard to know when to let go.

"Tears stream down your face, when you lose something you cannot replace" --Coldplay

2005-07-25T04:31:00.000-05:00

It aches. My heart aches. When I see other people cuddle, kiss, touch affectionately, or even just look at each other in that way, my chest physically hurts. Not a lot, but at least a little. Just a little fluttering in my chest, kind of like the butterflies I get when I'm nervous. Except this isn't nervousness, it's desire. Not envy, not jealousy, just... desire. I can't think of any better word for it right now (it IS 3:51 am). And it's not even desire in the strongest sense of the word, but kind of just more like I can't wait until I have that. I can't even really explain this. Everything I say comes out wrong, not meaning what I want it to mean.

I'm not saying at all that I'm going to rush out and do something rash, because I'm not and I won't, I'm just saying that if there was any doubt about my being called to a life of singleness and celibacy -there wasn't, but if there was- there isn't now! This little fluttering in my chest and the tendency to notice the little things don't come with the nervous stomach cramps or the cold night sweats. I'm not scared that I won't find the one I'm meant for. These little desires and random observations bring with them a certain kind of peace, a knowledge in my heart of hearts that God has predestined me for one of His sons. Don't get me wrong- I've definitely had my fearful, insecure, and self-doubtful times, but those are mostly behind me.

One night this past year (or maybe it was a nap, I can't quite remember) God gave me a beautiful dream about my future husband. Now I know some of you may be reading this thinking, "She's NUTS!" Well guess what, it's true. I dreamt about him. And ever since then, every time I worry or feel bad when all my "coupled" friends go out together, I think of Christ and how He's making me into His best for my husband. Think about that statement for a second. I want His best for me in the man, but I also want to be His best for him.

I hope that made some sense. I'm not even sure where I was going with this, but just know that I'm figuring some things out. This is a little bit awkward for me to post, knowing several of the people who read this. Please don't assume, however, that I am pining away after some knight in shining armor. I'm not. He's (meaning Jesus) already here, dirty and bruised and bleeding, fighting with me in the battle against my sinful flesh. And really, who am I to question the Almighty when He says He's got someone for me, and that He already knows his name?

Wow. I think I might edit this some more tomorrow after I've had some sleep. This doesn't make much sense. :)

Where's my Prince Charming?

2005-07-25T00:00:00.000-05:00

Guess what? More than likely right in front of me. I had a nice long talk with L&J tonight after the youth festivities concluded (which was fun as well :)). We talked about a bunch of random stuff about dating and marriage and what-not, but it was all great stuff.

Anyway, I'm sleepy and I don't exactly feel like expounding on that at this particular time, but maybe I will soon. Either that or not. Or maybe something else.

Right now we're going through James in youth, and although I'm a volunteer interny-thing, it's still interesting. I studied it first semester this past year, but it's refreshing to get other perspectives on it.

(I just thought this was a cool picture.)

Blah. I guess I DO have writer's block. :/

Let's go fly a kite, up to the highest heights! Let's go fly a kite, and sending it soaring! Up to the atmosphere, up where the air is clear!

2005-07-24T15:59:00.003-05:00

I loved the sun glare in this one...

I think this one looks like a painting...! :)

Precious S. ...

And her darling siblings, A. and J.

So I've decided that if you don't like cloud pictures then you can just deal with it, because until God stops giving me these beautiful skies, I'm going to take pictures and post them at my leisure. At least today I've included some other ones to break the monotony. :)

I semi-feel like writing, but right now I don't really have the time. I need to do my math homework for Tuesday and then I have youth shtuff tonight to help out with. So wheee. Why do kids have to grow up?

"What I really meant to say, is that I'm sorry for the way I am" --Crossfade

2005-07-23T00:28:00.000-05:00

So yeah yeah, I know, you are all thinking, ANOTHER cloud picture?! And the answer is, yes, another one. I can't help it. I love the fluffy little buggers. :) This one I messed around with in Photoshop though. No no no, my dearios, the sky was not brown. :)

It seems lately like I have nothing to say, and it's a mite disconcerting. Meh.

This is one I took with no touchups or anything. I like it. :)

I WISH I HAD SOMETHING TO SAY!!!

H-E-B is having a sale on Coke- 4 12-packs for $10.

2005-07-21T21:25:00.000-05:00

I know I'm kinda on a "cloud kick" right now, but God just keeps giving me beautiful clouds and sunsets!! I don't really have much to say right now, but I wanted to post these pics. :) Oh, and I thought there was an interesting juxtaposition in the first one between the simple beauty of creation and its more mechanical and impersonal side.

PS- I know some of you were having trouble with the link in the last post, so I'll just post the URL:

http://www.doulos2k.com/MVI_2780-1.wmv

Click that and you should be good to go. Let me know if it still doesn't work for some of you, okay? :)

MAD props to Larry I know his middle name but he'll KILL me if I post it here Gross!

2005-07-21T00:06:00.000-05:00

Okay, first off- The entry beneath this one is also from tonight.

Second- "mad props" and many thanks to Larry for fixing my blogger html. I can't quite explain it to all of you, but trust me. He fixed it. :)

He also shrunk this video for me so I could do something with it. I wanted you ALL to see it. It's hilarious. And don't worry, I took it, so it's both legal and safe for your computer. So go on, click it. CLICK IT!!!!!!!!!! (PS to Willie and Wendy- betcha didn't think I'd REALLY post it! I told you I would, and I wasn't joking! Haha!)

Haha, okay. I'm out.

(By the way- the word "this" is the link in case you can't tell. :))

O for a thousand tongues to sing, my Great Redeemer's praise...

2005-07-20T20:28:00.000-05:00

So while the child is sleeping....

I'm reading this book that L&J have in their house entitled: Then Sings My Soul: 150 of the World's Greatest Hymn Stories, and lemme tell ya- it's pretty cool! I mean, who knew that Jesus Loves the Little Children started out as a Civil War theme or that John Wesley almost died when someone set fire to his house because they didn't like his father? Or that It Is Well with My Soul was written by a man who lost his only son to scarlet fever and his four daughters to a shipwreck that almost claimed his wife as well? I love it. I love knowing the histories of these hymns, it sheds new light on their words, ya know?

"My first year at college I lost in diversions."
--Charles Wesley

"Next to the Word of God, the noble art of music is the greatest treasure in the world. It controls our thoughts, minds, hearts, and spirits. ...A person who... does not regard music as a marvelous creation of God...does not deserve to be called a human being; he should be permitted to hear nothing but the braying of asses and the grunting of hogs."
--Martin Luther

...Good book. :)

Comin' atcha from the college sophomore and her ever-changing blogger banners!

2005-07-19T22:14:00.000-05:00

So I sort of thought of something to say. Kinda. Anyway, I made a new banner again. I can't stick with one for very long. This one is from the Mute Math song Control. It basically means that surrender is suddenly not so shameful (in the "losing" sense) when we surrender to Jesus. I hope that made some sense.

Bah. Still nothing to talk about, but I love those cloud pictures I took through my windshield on the way home from work one day (and I used one in the new banner).

*Le sigh*

Haha, I love this. So random.

2005-07-19T00:35:00.000-05:00

Alright, my spanish galleons...

So I'm looking around on the internet for art and illustration schools instead of doing my math homework, but I'm getting rather excited, I must tell you. It's no use because I'll probably end up at ACC anyway, because of cost and convenience, but it's still fun to look. I can't wait to learn drawing, painting, sculpting, and print-making. It all sounds so exciting!

I'm super excited about photography stuff too! I can't wait to be able to take pictures with awesome cameras and have them turn out as awesome as I see them in my head. It's gonna be great. And English isn't exactly a wart-covered troll either.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. :)

I'm gonna scream!

2005-07-18T02:07:00.000-05:00

J. had some fun with my belt scarf too. ;) (And no, she isn't muslim).

Can ANYONE PLEASE tell me where I can host a video for free that's about 20MB in size? I dunno if it's even possible, but I've been looking and can't find any much bigger than 10... but I have a hilarious video I want to post here. BAH. Meh.

PS- New user pic. I like it. :) I was being silly with my scarf belt and J. snapped a picture. :)

deep-throated bagpipes...

2005-07-17T16:45:00.000-05:00

Hello, all! I've told Larry and Jana-Bee all about my plans for this coming year, so for anyone who's interested in my decision, I've decided to go ahead and go back to A&M. There are numerous reasons for this, and if you'd like me to recount them for you I'd be more than happy to, just not here or now. It's looking right now like I'll be majoring in English during the year, and then in the summers I'll be taking summer school at either ACC or Blinn, working on dual associate degrees (2-year plans) in both art and photography (and who knows- if I really enjoy art and phtography as much as I'm anticipating I will, I might just go ahead and get full degrees in those as well :)). I'm excited. Anyway, I'm off to help out the youts (A.K.A. the youths ;)). Ya'll take care, and lemme know what you think, okay?

"It's a beautiful day, don't let it get away!" --U2

2005-07-17T00:23:00.000-05:00

Too tired for a real post tonight. I was without the internet for two days however, so I couldn't resist at least a little snippet. Anyway, this weekend was what we "Lane Bryant"ers call "Sophie's Closet." It's the one weekend every month or so that I get 55% off the merchandise, rather than my normal 40. It was glorious. I made out like a bandit, and I'm set on clothes for quite a while my friends (AND they're super CUTE too!). And I didn't even spend that much money. Yay for discounts and giftcards! :)

*EDIT*

Ladies and Gentlemen- The Decision is in- I know where I'm going to be this next year. But I can't say it until I've talked to Larry and Jana and told them first, or they'll kill me. :)

DUM BA DAH DUUUUUUUM!!!!

2005-07-15T15:01:00.000-05:00

Theodore Gilbert now has a blog, ladies and gentlemen.

http://psuedo-hippie.blogspot.com/

...Enjoy.

"Such a beautiful surrender"

2005-07-12T23:03:00.000-05:00

Precious. Just precious. :) Haha, I love you, Ashley, you and Ted are beautiful. Ha. That sounded a mite too sappy, even for me. :) So my bad, yo. My bad.

So, I don't have a whole lot to say tonight, 'cept that I'm semi-interested to see if Ted will actually heed my advice to blog. :) I think he'd have some cool stuff to say. He asked me today if I thought he should, and I told him yes. So we shall see. Meh.

*edit*

"I'm inviting you closer with each time I breathe"

So for my birthday I sort of got two CDs- I got Coldplay's "X&Y" from my mom and my brother made me a mix of songs he thought I'd love. And HO-LY crap I do. When he gave it to me, he said, "I'm sorry my present is so lame." I just laughed, cuz obviously the boy has no idea JUST HOW MUCH I LOVE MUSIC. And it was just freakin awesome that he personalized it for me. One of the songs on the CD, "Beautiful Surrender" I think is its name, is the first song and has become my new favorite. It's incredible. I love it, and I find myself humming or singing it all the time. It's an incredibly chill song. I'm actually listening to it right now, instead of sleeping. :) I love the entire CD, and I love the fact that he took the time to pick out which songs went onto my CD. Sometimes I can't quite express how I feel with words, but those times are few and far between. But it is incredibly hard for me to express what music means to me. It provides a soundtrack for my life. There are no words. So thank you, Ted. Thank you. Your present was far from lame.

PS- I got some AWESOME presents. Coldplay and a $50 giftcard from mi madre, a beautiful necklace from Xylena that I have yet to not wear, awesome chocolates (the way to my heart;)) from the Shers, a party and dinner from Larry&Jana, beautiful, heartfelt cards from so, so many, and freaking awesome maroon elephant PJs from Janet that I've worn every night since I got them. :) This was just to show I'm not playing favorites. :)

*EDIT*

PS- Ted says the song is actually called "Control" by Mute Math. Me gusta.

7-11-1986 Part Deux (or however you spell it)...

2005-07-12T02:30:00.000-05:00

I paused. I was part of no particular conversation, but enjoyed simply listening; soaking it in. Larry, Michael, Richard, and Willie discussing theology, Jana playing with the babies and kiddos, Ted and Ash joking around and flirting adorably, and the mothers (sans Jana, including Yvonne and Xylena) sitting at the kitchen table just gabbing about anything and everything. It was simple, but it was... beautiful. Seeing the women gathered around the kitchen table (Shea, Yvonne, Wendy, Tina, and Xylena) was a great... I don't quite know. Comfort I guess. I kind of enjoyed not being a part of any particular topic. I liked just eavesdropping here and there, intercepting snatches of conversation, letting my mind roam where it may. I found myself smiling, for no particular reason. I loved these people. The very same people who surprised me with a party for my birthday, these very same people now sitting there enjoying the pleasure of each others' company.

Now it might seem an ordinary, every day occurence. But therein lies its appeal. I felt comfortable, even safe. Here were people I truly loved, and who truly loved me back. Venture as I might out into the world, change as I might into an adult, or be a jerk as I might because I'm still a whiny baby, I realized that these people would always love me. Maybe not in the same way, because we all grow and change, but these people would never stop being my friend or loving me as I had need (and even if I didn't have need).

In the same way that Pastor Richard was there when my father died in the cold, stark hospital, tears streaming down his face, telling us that Daddy was dancing with Jesus, I know he'll be there if I ever need to talk (and he's proven that several times already). In the same way that Larry and Jana were always there for me when I needed to talk or discuss some nondescript theological question, I know I can always call them, no matter how long it's been since the last time I saw them, and they'll welcome me into their home, no questions asked (at least until Larry can't stand it anymore- haha).

The same goes for everyone in that house. They have all supported me at one time or another, as I hope that I might have supported them as well.

"Heather! Hey, Heather! Are you involved in a conversation?"

I smiled at the inobtrusive interruption of my reverie and replied, "Nah, Xylena, not particularly. Why?"

"Wanna come over here and sit with us and talk a while?"

"Sure."

Now I know that not all the important people in my life were there that evening (my mother, noticeably, was absent), but they were some of them, and they made me realize that I was well loved. Hopefully I will never doubt again that God has blessed me beyond measure with incredible friends and role-models. I can be myself around these people, unafraid of judgement, but expectant of challenging viewpoints. The same goes for nearly all of my friends, adult and teenaged alike. I love you all, and I can only hope to be able to be there for you in the future in the ways that you have been there for me, though I know I'll never deserve you.

Thank you.

7-11-1986

2005-07-11T03:02:00.000-05:00

By the way, that's not me. :)

Show me Your glory
Send down Your presence
I want to see Your face

Show me Your glory

Majesty shines about You
I can't go on without You, Lord

I love that song. It's by Third Day.

I'm kinda sleepy tonight without much to say, but I felt the need for the obligatory posting. I'm in a little bit of a funk, but tomorrow (well, actually today) is my birthday, so I'm going to sleep in the hopes that it'll go away. No work tomorrow! Yay for that, yo. :) Call me on my cell phone tomorrow if you want, okay?

Ah, I love reading the Bible when I'm worried... something so familiar takes on a new meaning! Wheeee.

2005-07-08T02:53:00.000-05:00

Jana and her precious baby girl...

Psalm 23

A Psalm of David.

The LORD is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwellin the house of the LORD forever.

...Bring it.

"Lights will guide you home." --Coldplay

2005-07-06T21:01:00.000-05:00

"You have a fifty-fifty chance."

Today I drove with my mother down to San Antonio to the ALS Clinic at University Hospital for her tri-monthly checkup and progress report. It was organized in a sort of "station" manner, with trips to the waiting room in between each station. First came the nutritionist, then the respiratory therapist, the counselor, and the occupational therapist. Then we were shown back to the waiting room, and had no sooner sat down than a nurse came out with a, "Dr. Jackson is ready for you now." We stood, followed her back through the door and into Dr. Jackson's office. Dr. Jackson is a beautiful woman in her late thirties-early forties, and a crazy nice lady. She is one of the best neurologists in her field, and very knowledgeable about ALS. She began talking to us about my great aunts and uncles, my grandmothers and grandfathers, and upon a severely confused look from me, explained with this: "We think your mother has familial PLS." Getting more blank stare, she continued, "There are about 25000 people with ALS. About 5% of that are people with PLS (your mother). About 2% of THAT are people with familial PLS. It's extremely rare. So each additional offspring has a 50/50 chance of having PLS."

To which I replied, "So I have a fifty-fifty chance of having PLS?"

"Yes."

"Is there a test for this? Do I need to be tested?"

"Well, there's really only one test developed so far, but it's INCREDIBLY inaccurate, so... no."

"So basically, I have to wait to see if it just...develops at some point?"

"Yes."

"A 50/50 chance?"

"Yes."

You know, you'd like to believe that this kind of thing wouldn't affect your life, but guess what? It does. I just haven't decided how yet. Besides... if I don't have it, will Ted?

I wish Jesus would just come back already. I'm ready to get off this stupid rock. I don't think I'm ready to process this yet, so I think I'm going to go to bed. My family. I love them all so much, my daddy, my mommy, my brother... I want Jesus to come so they don't have to suffer. I never thought I'd say this and this might actually sound a little dark, but I'm glad my daddy doesn't have to be here to suffer. I don't hate much, but I hate cancer. And I hate PLS.

I was so DEFINITELY in the right place at the right time for this shot.

2005-07-06T02:57:00.000-05:00

I love this picture of one of my sweetpeas.
I caught her like this while we were waiting for something
downtown, and snapped a shot of her. So precious.

We (Jana, Wendy, and I) took Wendy's two girls, Jana's girl, and two of the Sher children (Ross and Alaina) to an arts appreciation fair thingie downtown on June 29th and it was crazy fun. I forgot how much I love those kiddos. My gracious. It was ridiculously warm, and nevermind the VERY creepy jester guy (long story), but it was still awesome, I loved it, and I'd love to do it again next year. :)

The guy who always sits in front of me in my ACC math class.

2005-07-05T03:03:00.000-05:00

Please continue to comment on my previous post if you feel the need. I'm just too tired to post something real right now. But soon, my cheeky wee darlings, soon. :)

Hmm. This started and ended as two very different things subject-wise.

2005-07-04T00:58:00.000-05:00

I feel beautiful when I worship.

One of the things that I hate about myself is the fact that I am severely insecure most times about anything having to do with... well... me. Even that sentence proves it. But I feel beautiful when I worship! Does that sound amazing to anyone else? Even when I'm praising HIM and putting the focus on Him and His glory, He still finds a way to tell me how much He loves me. I don't feel insecure, I don't feel dirty or acne-filled or - dare I say it? - fat. I feel beautiful, I feel loved, I feel like I could conquer the world. I feel outgoing, confident, and strong when I'm in a right place with Him. When I'm not where I'm supposed to be in my Walk I feel frightened, nervous, and ugly. So what would make me ever want to stray from that? Actually, sometimes I don't even notice I'm doing it, but most times it's just "grass is greener" stupidity. I always want what I can't have. Even if what I can't have is bad, even deadly, for me, I still want it. That doesn't make sense, and yet it makes all the sense in the world.

Anyway, I got off topic. I love it when I'm in the midst of heart-felt worship, and suddenly I notice that a smile has crept onto my face. I love nothing better than to find that I enjoy worshipping my Savior. And it's when I feel most secure and joyful in Him that I feel the most beautiful and loved. Word. :)

Larry will love this (and if you can name the author of this phrase [besides you, Larry], I'll give you a cookie) :

God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him.

I want to feel this beautiful all the time. Like a princess. I'm not talking those frilly damsels in distress who always faint and wave their hankies from the topmost tower, but the princesses who snuck out in disguise to go to war with their brothers and fathers and uncles, the princesses so beautiful they started wars, so strong they fought in them, and so regal there were lines around the castle for their hand. THAT kind of beautiful. The kind where the prince will fight for you, even though you don't NEED to be rescued. The kind where you don't need them but want them anyway. Is there anything more romantic than that? Than to be so in love with your Savior that you don't NEED him (the man), but want him anyway?

I hope that made some sense.

*sigh*

Oh, to be young again, imagining myself as a beautiful princess falling in love with the handsome prince. Who knows, maybe some day.

Maybe some day.

I'm sleepy and the post script at the end of this post might make me some enemies, but oh dearie well.

2005-07-01T00:40:00.000-05:00

Bethany's hand... she's precious. :)

Haha, okay so... I can't stick with a layout to save my life. Ah well, I like this one. I made it myself again. Meh. :)

Anyway, I've been thinking about something lately (well, something in particular among the myriad of other shtuff). First of all, read these:

Blessed be the name of the Lord,
blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord,
blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away,
You give and take away,
My heart will choose to say,
Lord blessed be Your name

I love that song, it was one of my dad's favorites, but besides that, it makes me think. It's only one little line in the bridge of the song, but it caused me to pause mid-worship at church on Sunday. Sometimes we have to choose. Sometimes (quite often actually, I guess), the warm fuzzies are long gone and you're just trying to survive. Just barely scraping by, unsure if better times will ever come. Thank goodness we were not made for this world! Anyway, that's besides the point. What I mean to say is that sometimes we have to CHOOSE to say, "Lord, blessed be Your name." Better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and health. Sound familiar? Who says God didn't fashion marriage after Himself? Meh. Anyway, sometimes it has to be a conscious choice. I can't quite remember where I was going with this, but yeah. It's late and it was just a little something I was thinking about. I'm tired, but my adoring public was clamoring for another tasty morsel of my thoughts, so I did my best to oblige. Haha. I'm a terd. :)

P.S. Humanism and the whole "subjective reality and truth" thing are crap. Seriously.

Another loooong post- The List (updated Thursday night after Larry&Jana's house)...COMMENT.

2005-06-22T17:45:00.000-05:00

I know some things. I know some very important things. But then again, of course there's a lot of things I don't know. So I've decided to compile a minor list. Of course there are things on this list that don't really matter, and of course there're things not on this list that DO matter (and that you can assume I know- like how to breathe). So anyway, without further ado (or lack thereof):

1. I DON'T know what I want to do with my life other than serve Christ. I have no idea what I want to major in, what field I want to work in. I don't even know if I want to continue at the same university or not, but that remains to be decided semi-shortly.

2. I know what I want from life (in the general sense. Otherwise see No 1.). I want to serve Christ. I don't want to waste it. And I want to be a priority to someone. Whether that comes first in the form of a husband, a best friend, or a mentor, I care not. I just want to be someone's priority. Other than Mom's of course. She doesn't count.

3. I know what I want from my husband. I want him to be a Man of God, basically. I will never be afraid of an affair, because there will never be a need for one. There will never be trust issues for me, and I hope to prove to him that he can trust me too. We'll talk, about anything and everything, but be comfortable enough with each other for silence. I want to be friends first, but be so incredibly in love that I'm tunnel-visioned. (However, PLEASE see #4. Oh, and see #10 while you're at it).

4. I know what my priorities are. They are (in order, of course):
--God
--Husband
--Then kids, if it happens (see #5)
--Then everything else. :)

5. I DON'T know if I want to have kids. I don't know. I just don't, and I don't know how else to explain it. I have time to decide that, so I'm not worried. Oh, and don't forget the teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeny-tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiny little fact of...oh wait, MY HUSBAND. Haha, it'll depend on his thoughts as well, obviously. And as for potentially depriving my mother of grandchildren, I DO have a brother, ya know, who has a FABULOUSLY WONDERFUL girlfriend who will be an amazing, inspiring, and beautiful wife and mother. So chill, okay? :)

6. I DO know I want my own place eventually, as is normal progress, but honestly haven't decided if I want roommates or not, although I'll probably end up with some if for no other reason than that it's cheaper (and that they're my friends, ha). :)

7. I know my priorities for the "moolah":
--Living during the coming year
--Apartment for the next year
--A DOG FOR AS SOON AS I CAN GET IT. I want a dog more than most things right now.
--A Nikon D70 or a Canon RebelXT... (freaking awesome cameras).

8. I DON'T know where I'll be this coming year. I know I keep freaking out and posting about this particular topic here, but it's sort of a large choice that must be made in the near future and I'm scared of it. If you know me at all well, you know that I hate making choices. Even stupid decisions take me at least several minutes. Like what to order at dinner for instance. Anyhow, decisions semi-scare me. I don't want to regret my decision. I'm all about not wasting my time. I know that I could make either decision work, but see #9. I want more.

9. I know I'm tired of simply existing. I want more from life. I want to actually live. I want to feel. I want the rush of adrenaline, emotions, whatever. I don't want to be bored anymore, I want to feel like I'm leading "the exciting life," whatever that means. But at the same time, I get frustrated because I'm honestly terrified of risk. I talked with Pastor Ricardo (as dad liked to call him- Pastor Richard) the other day, and I want what he has. I want to be dangerous because I have nothing to lose. I want to be free to "risk it all" because I've got nothing to lose, or for that matter, nothing to risk.

10. I know what kind of relationship I'd like when it's time for me to have one. I know that there's no real definition other than a Godly one, but here's a short list of relationships that stand out to me that I'd like to emulate:

-My brother Ted and Ashley Walker
-Larry and Jana
-Michael and Shea Scher
-Of course my Mom and Dad
-Pastor Richard and Tina

I figure I should explain myself and why I chose these particular relationships. First of all, I know these people, I am or have been around them a lot, whether it's currently or at some point in the past, and here is some of what I see in each of them:
-a definite love for Christ.
-priorities in order.
-these men (yes, my brother included ;) ) LOVE their girlfriends and wives so intensely and passionately and gently, and these women love their "significant others" just as deeply.
-these are some of the strongest women I think I've ever met. Some of them may be quiet and behind-the-scenes, but they are FAR from weak. They are strong, passionate, and beautiful women of God, who depend on their God to see them through, and I hope to someday be half of what they are. All of them.
-none of these marriages (or dating relationships, as the case may be) are perfect, but they are strong. There have been hardships in all, of all different sorts, but they lean on Christ to make it through, and it shows.
-but I think the biggest thing right now to me is that these marriages (and relationships) are based on Christ. These relationships are so very God-centered, and it's obvious that these men love their God more than their women, and these women love their God more than their men. And I want the very same thing. I want to be blinded to everything but God. I want to be blindsided when He brings the man I'm supposed to marry into my life, and when he gets here, I want us to grow together in Christ and in Christ's inexhaustible and perfect love. Just like I see in these relationships.

So I guess that's pretty much it for now. If I feel the need to update because I think of something else later, I will, but for right now these things are sort of on my mind. PLEASE comment and let me know what you think (especially since I added all those pretty pictures that I took JUST for you-- okay not really, I took them like two years ago;)). I really do love you all. Grace and Peace to you from God our father and the Lord Jesus Christ.

Soli Deo Gloria

"I'd like to think that most of me is still hiding up my sleeve." --John Mayer

Hussy Go Home!!

Road Tripping In and Around College Station

"From the outside looking in you can't understand it, from the inside looking out you can't explain it."

More "Things".... :)

Maleficent is like the scariest villian ever. Ever.

The Joys of Child-Like Innocence

The Joys of Child-Like Curiosity

The Joys of a Beautiful Baby

The Joys of Friendship

In which it is revealed that my mother really only FOOLS people into believing she's a sweetheart.

"What do you have there, Brian? It's a cup of dirt. Just put an F on there and let me go home." --Brian Reagan (sp?)

20 Things!

SHARKS IN THE SKY!!!!!!!! RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!!!!!

in just 8 hours they'll be hanging flowers...

Blue skies, smilin' at me!

The sky is a beautiful shade of blue!

From my ENGL 235 Intro to Creative Writing Prose class...

BOO!!!! Did I scare you?

OOOoooOOOooo!

“If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.”

Make sense, much?

"It's about right that the lightbulb is burned out." --Michael Payne

Oh, Happy Day!!

Murr bugs....

I don't have time to write, so you get pictures from Friday night.

Thinking.

" 'The Story of Our Lives' by Allison Hamilton Calhoun... To my Love, Noah, read this to me and I'll come back to you."

OO! OO! BABY!

New Banner again... I like it. :)

MRUARH!

Randomness ensues! :)

"Love must follow you around, cuz everytime we're close, it comes creepin in, deeper than I have ever known...." --Randy Rogers Band

"There's always color in the corner...." -- J-Nut

For Mom, with love. :)

Talk is cheap.

For Monica and Shannon's Facebook Group Pic....

From L's Blog...

Rawr....

Conversational Recollections Part Deux - Humorous

Conversational Recollections....

As gently as a butterfly with sore feet...

"It's like everybody loves you, and everybody wants you lately...it's like everybody needs you and everybody sees you today..." --Josh Kelly

RAWR! (This post has NOTHING to do with the picture. :))

"Wake the dead, serial sleepers slay with words unsaid." --House of Heroes

palaybra!

PLEASE respond to this if you have ANY thoughts AT ALL. :)

WARNING: Questionable Material Ahead

"Save our souls from all our dreams come true" --House of Heroes

YARGH, MATEY!!!! >:(

Superchic[k] is super!! :)

"You and me were made to shine!" --John David Webster

Confession does nothing for an omniscient God. But it does everything for us.

"How great is our God, sing with me, how great is our God, and all will see how great, how great, is our God." --Chris Tomlin

Mmm! Mmm! Good!

The Crickets Are Invading!

Daaaaaaaa Bears.

Whoopeeeeeeeee!

"Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again... and there'll be beauty from pain." --Superchic[k]

"We courted death in order to call ourselves brave, and hid like thieves from life."

Blog Stalker on the Loose

The Best New Song...

Bein' "gangsta" at Disneyland when we were like 6 and 4. If that. We are so awesome. :)

Few of you will understand the significance of the last line of this post.

Jesus Casts Out an Unclean Spirit

Soli Deo Gloria- To God Alone Be The Glory

While the cat's away, the children will play...

Heidi-Ho Neighbors

Late-Breaking News: Man in Restaurant Narrowly Avoids Assassination Attempt

On the road of life, there are many twists and turn-offs... are you paying attention?

"Tears stream down your face, when you lose something you cannot replace" --Coldplay

Where's my Prince Charming?

Let's go fly a kite, up to the highest heights! Let's go fly a kite, and sending it soaring! Up to the atmosphere, up where the air is clear!

"What I really meant to say, is that I'm sorry for the way I am" --Crossfade

H-E-B is having a sale on Coke- 4 12-packs for $10.

MAD props to Larry *I know his middle name but he'll KILL me if I post it here* Gross!

O for a thousand tongues to sing, my Great Redeemer's praise...

Comin' atcha from the college sophomore and her ever-changing blogger banners!

Haha, I love this. So random.

MAD props to Larry I know his middle name but he'll KILL me if I post it here Gross!